Ahem. Please disregard all this fail. Apparently 73-year-olds shouldn't try to get fancy on the internet.
Your only hope for rad Monkeybone gifs will be if Gabe reviews it. I'm renewing the nomination, for the good of mankind.
I never thought I'd have to contemplate a universe, even a fictitious one, that contains some kind of desire triangle between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rita Wilson, and Phil Hartman.
In other news, I'm retracting my nomination for the appalling Brendan Fraser vehicle Monkeybone, because I love this feature. Monkeybone, a grating, irritating, chafing misfire by Nightmare Before Christmas's Henry Selick in which the two leads are played by a literally comatose Brendan Fraser and a horny monkey, is so clearly and objectively the WMOAT that it would mark the end of this series.
You'd think they'd at LEAST check their set lists with each other at some point along the tour, right? "Oh, you're still covering that Dynamite song? Us too! Should we flip for it, or... nah, you're right, fuck it. It's not like the kids are gonna leave."
This.
For me it was that it feels (at least here on a college campus) like we're still in a culturally sensitive moment about suicide. But YCMIU is one of my favorites too, and I think hit-or-miss art is better than second-guessing. Paula Abdul being interviewed by a sack of russet potatoes is one of the funniest things I've ever read, hands down.
WHO BULLIES THE BULLIES? Gabe is one of the guardians of truth and righteousness on the interwebs.
Oh god, that didn't even occur to me until I read your comment. If that happens, I will stuff tater tots up the tailpipes of every man, woman and child who works on this show, so help me.
I kept being startled by not hating Gwyneth in this episode. Like I would get distracted from watching the episode as I frantically tried to make it compute: "I know I hate this woman, so why don't I hate her?"
I think it helps that we know that her character is here for a one-episode storyline that has to end with her leaving, and I at least was watching her and thinking, heheheh, they all think she's so cool now, but she's loathsome and they'll realize she is loathsome and she is going to have to leave glee club because she is loathsome! Also, as a teacher I couldn't help it... I'm sorry, but her "cool teacher" shtick was classic, and GOOP delivered it pretty much perfectly. I'm going to dress up as Bipolar Mary Todd Lincoln the first chance I get and tweet all of my students their next round of paper grades.
BUT: can we please let Kurt have a kiss that isn't a self-loathing hate-kiss from Football Guy #3?
Oh man, I don't even know what to say. We were really close friends. I think, basically, we decided to get married in order to prove a point, even though we were both intelligent college-educated people who knew damn well that proving a point is one of the worst reasons to get married. (Although probably not THE worst. That would be something like getting married in order to enter a couples-only sack race.) And I think the point we were trying to prove was essentially that we were smart people who "got it."
I remember turning off the movie and talking about how we would never be trapped in loveless, sexless, routine marriages, because we were nineteen and really smart and also really full of ourselves. And -- there may have been alcohol involved -- we decided that the way to make sure of that was to marry each other, immediately. We were going to elope to Las Vegas, but -- there was definitely alcohol involved -- we realized that neither of us should drive, so instead we called our parents and announced our engagement. And then, because the parental ball started rolling, we planned a wedding for a year and a half and then we went through with it. And then, two years into a loveless, sexless, routine marriage, I started dating women again and he started dating women again and we got to have a hostile, expensive, painful divorce. Yay. I tend not to mention the whole "American Beauty" part when explaining my marriage and divorce to people, but it's really an embarrassingly integral part of the whole thing.
Basically what I hope I have learned from all of it is that I'm kind of an idiot. And I now have a mandatory, self-imposed waiting period on making decisions of any kind after seeing any Important Movies. I wasn't even allowed to call and order a pizza after seeing Inception. Someone else had to do it. Ifanyonewhoknowsmereadsthispleasedontjudgemethanks.
American Beauty was directly responsible for my getting married to a man even though I am a lesbian. As in, we announced our engagement about 15 minutes after turning the movie off. As near as I've been able to figure out, it scrambled my brains to the point where I thought: "Hey, that was a hackneyed depiction of a boring, typical, middle-class suburban white marriage after a few decades. Let's do that. If we do that, then when I'm in my forties I can get stoned and go statutory on Mena Suvari." I'm still surprised that my now-ex-husband was equally entranced with this plan. #poordecisionmakinggum
Also, you know what else has made me feel like an idiot? Watching Monkeybone, the film that brings you Brendan Fraser's id as a horny animated monkey. It is terrible. It is worse than getting married because you are nineteen and you just watched American Beauty. It is the WMOAT.
Many of the WMOAT nominees for this round could definitely take Worst Recent Movie, or Worst Movie of the Month of September, or whatever, but I think we're still reaching for the "Of All Time" part. For my money, the worst movie of all time is still Monkeybone. It ruined movies. It killed the movies and the movies' children for seven generations. It is obnoxious, it "stars" Brendan Fraser and that lady with the annoying voice from Will & Grace, it criminally wastes Dave Foley and John Turturro, and it perpetuates the insane early-2000s myth that Chris Kattan was funny or interesting in some way. It makes women faint and men angry.
Please, Gabe, bring transparency and accountability to this process, and pick the candidate that will work harder and more horribly for you than any other movie ever has or will.
1. Knowing! You won't regret spending the 1-Nicolas-Cage-per-round token on this. I mean, you'll regret it, we'll all regret it, but it's also the right thing to do.
2, I also would like to put in a forceful plug for MONKEYBONE, which is the single worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It's like a prison writing workshop rewrote and then staged an movie loosely ripped off of Cool World, starring Brendan Frasier, Bridget Fonda, and that lady with the horrible voice from Will and Grace. Actually, it's got something of a B-list dream cast, and it was directed by Henry Selick, who did Nightmare Before Christmas, and it sucks. Big time.
Exactly. And I certainly hope that Mr. Danza and A&E realize that the real work of teaching isn't showing up and being all sassy and cool with the students like you think you're Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. It's budgeting 20 to 40 minutes PER STUDENT per week in outside-of-class time, for grading, recordkeeping, lesson planning, pulling materials together. I sure hope this show has some long montages of Danza sitting up at night counting how many more papers he has to grade before he can go to sleep.
Speaking as a grad student who's scraping by on loans and TA positions and lecturer positions that net me about $15K a year, this makes me viscerally sick. Not only am I an idiot to spend years of my life chasing a job where a starting full-time lecturer salary is about $35K, but apparently all my friends in K-12 who've spent years on credentials and professional development and pedagogy and are really good at what they do are all idiots too. I mean, if some jackass who's desperate to get back into the spotlight can walk in and "co-teach"... Sorry, nothing funny to say here, I'm just sad.
I keep trying to watch the video, but I can't. Not because of technical problems, but because every time I look at that still frame I laugh so hard I end up crying and then I can't see anything. I want to hang that picture from the brim of a baseball cap so I can look at it every minute of the day.
The single greatest thing I've ever seen was the sign-language interpreter at a small-town gay pride celebration a few years ago, signing and miming along to a song whose entire, repetitive lyrics went: "Pussy chugger, I'm chugging on your pussy." She was a huge, sassy lady and put a lot of backbone into it. Alas, she set the bar pretty high.
My thoughts EXACTLY. It's not bad enough to have confirmation that pretty people were even pretty by the horrible, pimply, gangly, sweaty standards of junior high... now I'm worried that someone on the same yearbook page as my terrible, flannel-shirted, girl-with-hesher-haired, braces-having, deeply embarrassing 8th-grade picture is already famous and those pictures are out there. Ugh.
I would have been prepared to believe him if he'd said he was from anywhere else in the world. Outer Mongolia? Liechtenstein? Lapland? Or maybe his accent's from... wait for it... the French Quarter?
Wait! Waitwaitwait! I had to stop trolling and finally log in to point out that Gabe posted the trailer for the amazing Nicolas Cage movie "Knowing" when it first came out, but I don't remember it ever being considered for WMOAT! It is a serious, serious contender for WMOAT. For reals.
TeacherLiarTeacherLiar