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This Week In Movie Trailers, You Guys

There are a lot of trailers this week! Does that mean any of them are any good? You will be the judge of that soon enough. You are the judge of everything. Judgy McJudgersonsalot. But maybe everyone was wrong the whole time and it is quantity and not quality that is important. I mean, quantity is cool. Why’s everyone always knocking quantity?!

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For years, America has been demanding a movie in which Josh Gad plays a sex addict and finally, FINALLY, Hollywood has listened. It is a little crazy to think how much longer it will take for America to legalize same sex marriage than it took for Hollywood to make a movie in which Josh Gad plays a sex addict, but it doesn’t do anyone any good to get too hung up on that kind of thing. Fun Fact: I heard Pink’s role was originally written for NeNe Leakes but when Pink came into audition they were so blown away that they rewrote the whole script. Haha, this movie.

Breathe In

I know that painful infidelity and all that stuff is a part of the human experience and all too common in this world, and it’s certainly a very “dramatic” thing, but I just hate movies about people cheating on each other. It’s not even a little bit fun or interesting to me. It’s just watching two make believe strangers ruin each other’s lives in the smallest but sharpest of ways. Eek.

Escape Plan

YOU HAD ME AT “I BREAK OUT OF PRISONS FOR A LIVING.” What on EARTH is this movie?!?!?! Hahahahahaha. Do you know what this movie looks like? It looks like you woke up super hung over on a Sunday morning and flopped onto your couch with a couple slices of last night’s cold pizza, ready to just laze around for the rest of the day with some rerun on TBS Superstation and you turn it on and this movie is on and they keep talking about it being, like, a Throwback Sunday or something and you’re like, what? This movie doesn’t exist. And then you call a friend, but now they have a British accent, and they insist you guys saw this movie in Junior High when you were playing hookie from Beauty School and that is how you learn that in your sleep you fell through a Time Hole into Bizarro Universe #69.

Hell Baby

Sure, fine, but just FYI: the line between this and those Scary Movies that you like to think you’re so above is much thinner than you think.

Willow Creek

Ugh. Blair Bigfoot Project? 2013? Boo! What’s going to be next? A One Direction documentary?

One Direction: This Is Us

Damn it! Next trailer, please!

The Turning

Do you guys like these things when they make a movie out of 17 movies? It always feels like maybe they should have just, you know, made a movie. If I wanted to go to a film festival I would have gone to the Cannes Film Festival. That’s supposed to be a good one, right? Also I do not know who this Tim Winton is that they make such a big deal about, should I know him? Also why does every movie look like a blue jeans commercial now?