First Grader Banned From Performing Body Farts In Talent Show

They call it “the land of the free,” but I’m sure it doesn’t feel so much like “the land of the free” today for seven-year-old first grader Erich Henze. Henze, under the assumption that he lived in the United States of America where farts are APPRECIATED, developed and honed the skill of “body farting” — making the fart sound in different areas of the body — over, you have to figure, the past one or two years of his handful of years on Earth. Armpit fart, neck fart, leg fart, ear fart — you name it, he could skillfully fart it. Finally it came time for his first grade talent show, the one place outside of the family’s living room where a child like him could share his gift with the rest of the world. But what happened? Was he allowed to go up onstage and make fart noises, bringing joy to his classmates and teachers, breaking up the boring, lackluster routines all the other babies were surely offering? No. He wasn’t.

“Mom, sign this, ’cause I just want to do the arm fart for the talent show.” This boy is an adorable gift! LET HIM FART, YOU JERKS! (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)