R.I.P. Andy Rooney’s News Segment

Many Americans have their own story about discovering the brilliance of Andy Rooney. Mine came a few years ago when he did an essay about how there were three can openers in his kitchen and I think the end of the CUTTING and INCISIVE essay said something like “what are we gonna do with all these can openers?” Powerful stuff. (It is true that making fun of Andy Rooney being old is like making fun of fish in a barrel, but look at those ridiculous old fish!) Hard to believe he is going to be leaving us. End of an era, guys. Not our era. But an era. Called the 1800s. From the Hollywood Reporter:

After more than 1000 broadcasts, Andy Rooney will make his last regular appearance on this Sunday’s 60 Minutes. Rooney has been a fixture on the newsmagazine since 1978. And he’ll make the announcement himself in a quintessential show-wrapping segment. It will be preceded by a career retrospective interview with correspondent Morley Safer.

“There’s nobody like Andy and there never will be,” said Jeff Fager, CBS News chairman and 60 executive producer. “He’ll hate hearing this, but he’s an American original. His contributions to 60 Minutes are immeasurable; he’s also a great friend.”

Rooney is not likely to be replaced. And Fager said that he is always welcome on the broadcast.

Oh man, can you imagine how amazing it would be if they DID try and replace him? “We need an impossibly old grouch who goes off on hard-to-follow tangents about things like overcoats and spam email, but now that we have the opportunity, let’s update it for today’s youth by getting someone who is only in their 70s.” Also, why would he hate to hear that he’s an American original? Oh right, because he hates everything. LOVE YOU, ANDY ROONEY! In honor of Andy Rooney’s upcoming retirement, here are a few installments of the classic “Andy Rooney Game,” created by Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel, in which the first and last sentences of Andy’s monologue are saved, and the rest of the monologue is edited out:

Good game. GREAT American Hero.