Hey, remember last week’s thrilling, pulse-pounding cliffhanger when Vampire Jessica, ensorceled by that witch, threw open the doors to the sunlight and there was a gunshot out on the lawn after Jason Stackhouse got tackled by that guard and it seemed almost certain that he was dead and that Jessica was about to catch on fire? And also remember how last week I pointed out that this was the stupidest, laziest cliffhanger because quite obviously Jason Stackhouse was fine and he was just going to save Jessica in the first 10 seconds of the episode and so it wasn’t even a cliffhanger at all but just a powerful reminder that this show is lazy, poorly written, and total garbage? Well, right. So, the doors open, a tiny whisp of smoke forms on Jessica’s wrist, and then Jason comes running in and tackles her and kicks the door closed the end. WHAT A RELIEF AFTER A WHOLE WEEK OF WONDERING AND STRESSING OUT ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT JUST KIDDING! It is fitting, I guess, that a show about werewolves and vampires and fairies and panther people and shapeshifters and skinwalkers and witches and Greek goddesses (R.I.P.) all having a fuck fest in a swamp treats its audience’s intelligence with exactly the level of respect it thinks it deserves. “Fuck these idiots,” that is what True Blood says to its audience. “They are watching this show so they must be some real dumb dumbs.” Jessica is still under the spell so she attacks Jason and is about to bite him but then the spell wears off (phew! Goooood timing!) and now she is so grateful to Jason for saving her life. Like, super grateful. Like, break up with my boyfriend who is your best friend and make everyone’s lives really impossible grateful. But first, Jason takes her back downstairs and puts the necklaces on her tummy. Want to get something longer than a midriff? NO TIME!
Alcide and his girlfriend have joined a new werewolf pack (oh brother, are there really people who like this show and aren’t embarrassed to talk about it? Because it’s embarrassing to talk about!) and the new pack leader has instructed everyone to stay out of the fight between the vampires and the witches. Haha. Sure. No problem, chief. One “pup,” which is what the adult werewolves call the teenage werewolves, talks a big game about the vampires and later gets into a fight at the barbecue. Oh, pups. When will they learn?! Aclide’s girlfriend tells him that this means he can’t be friends with Sookie anymore because the werewolves aren’t supposed to get mixed up with the vampire vs. witches and Sookie is Team Edward. Alcide promises that she has nothing to worry about. I bet that’s a solid promise. I bet that is just a rock solid promise.
Every once in awhile, something happens on this show that is actually, well, not interesting, but suggestive of something that COULD be interesting? This week it is when the werewolf pack leader goes to his ex-wife’s house to tuck his daughter into bed and it turns out that his ex-wife is Sam’s new girlfriend. Oh, it’s still super stupid and I think he says something like “you just pissed on the wrong paws” to Sam because UGH OF COURSE but, I don’t know, just the idea of a werewolf having a drawn out custody battle with his ex-wife and feeling pangs of jealousy when she has a new (shapeshifter, oof) boyfriend is almost interesting. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING GUYS DON’T WORRY I’M AN ADULT FORGET IT I WAS KIDDING.
Eric and Sookie fuck in a magical forest forever.
I honestly have no idea what is even going on here and for as much as I don’t care about what happens on this show anymore, I really do not care about this. They keep talking about what is possible (“anything,” apparently) and staying in a forest forever and also it is snowing and later they are just in bed so I guess that was some kind of blood dream I don’t know I hate it.
The witch is pissed off because she did that whole spell and only one vampire died. Haha. That is funny. That WOULD be very frustrating, if you were a 400-year-old witch. “Shoot,” that’s what you would say. “Gosh dang it.” Bill sets up a meeting with the witch at the cemetery at midnight. UH. No. I’m sorry. No! NO! Why does the meeting have to be in a cemetery at midnight? I know this show isn’t for teenage girls because there is TOO MUCH RAW DOGGING. So, this show is for adults. I’m even willing to accept that. But vampires and witches meeting in a cemetery at midnight? It is enough to make a man give up. Also, every time this witch comes face to face with an actual vampire, she just immediately puts a super-powerful spell on them that makes their brains fall out and their faces melt off, so what exactly is the game-plan here, Bill? (Needless to say, when they all show up at the cemetery and the witch DOESN’T just make Bill stab himself in the dick with a wooden spike it’s like, wait, what are YOU up to? What is anyone ever up to?)
Jessica goes home and breaks up with Hoyt and murders Hoyt. Whoa! Then she fucks Jason in a truck with her face covered in his best friend’s blood. Wait a second. Oh, OK, it was just a dream. But later she does break up with Hoyt and he smashes the stuff and screams the screams. She cries blood tears. SAVE IT, LADY. She immediately goes to Jason’s house and he is rightfully like “No way, Vampire Jose.” He rescinds his invitation and the magic wind sucks her out of the house. (This is a very silly part of the vampire mythology. I mean, I am fine with the part where you have to invite them in, but disinviting them and they get tossed out on their butts? LOL.) Aww, poor Baby Jessica. She’ll bounce back. She’ll go on vdate and meet a nice Vampire Lawyer (from Fangstein and Biteman) and settle down, I’m sure.
Oh, Tommy steals Hoyt’s mom’s frock and skinwalks into her body to get a natural gas land grant deal. Whatever.
I like that Tommy went to all the trouble to break into a woman’s house and steal her jewelry so that he would really look the part, but then as soon as he walks in the door he’s slamming down shots and calling everyone a fucking asshole. Mr. Cool Disguise over here.
Oh, and Lafayette gets possessed by a Southern Gothic stereotype and steals a baby.
So, the Vampire Sharks meet the Witch Jets at the cemetery.
Sookie is there. And Tara. Everyone’s there, basically. It’s very tense, as you can imagine. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! You have no idea how much I wish they all just slaughtered each other. Oh, there is also a human SWAT team? Because the witches can only cast spells on vampires? Is that even true? You would think that any witch spell that can control vampires would be way more complicated than a witch spell to control humans. Although, I guess the vampires have a lock on that with the whole glamouring thing, which Bill uses earlier in the episode to get a televised press conference (WHAT?). Eric does slaughter one of them. He runs across the yard and pulls someone’s spine out, or something. Uh oh, that does it! The witch casts a FOG SPELL and the whole place is shrouded in FUCKING MAGIC FOG LOLOLOLOLOL.
Everyone starts running and fighting but I swear to god it feels like a game of Capture the Flag at sleepaway camp. Seriously. What a bunch of dorks. Pam is about to eat Tara but Bill commands her to leave Tara alone forever. “This is so fucking LAME,” Pam says. I agree with Pam, Bill. Sookie gets shot. YAY!
Alcide shows up by surprise and saves her. BOO! Meanwhile, Alcide’s girlfriend has been chasing him as a werewolf through the woods the whole time and now she is jealous. And naked. But mostly jealous. Also, so much for their heightened dog senses? She was, like, two feet behind him the whole way and he never even noticed. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A MAJESTIC WEREWOLF, MY FRIEND. Bill gets silvered. Eric gets spelled. The witch laughs.