Vincent Gallo is great. Admittedly, he is also terrible. But then on the other hand: He is great. So it’s a tough call. I would like everyone to know right now that Buffalo ’66 is one of my favorite movies of all time. See what I care? See what I care what you think about it. I quote “spanning time” almost every day. Brown Bunny, on the other hand, is a movie about footage of driving on a road and looking at the sky and then a blowjob. Give and take. But now I guess Vincent Gallo is not going to let anyone see the movies he’s making anymore? I don’t know, look at this, from indieWire:
“I do not want my new works to be generated in a market or audience of any kind,” he said, adding that the Venice and TIFF screenings last year for [his latest film] Promises Written In Water were part of an agreement he made with the actress Delfine Bafort. But that’s not all. He also adds, “I have just finished a new film and have not made similar agreements with anyone. So this film is allowed to rest in peace, and stored without being exposed to the dark energies from the public.”
What? Whatever. I’m sure no one is ever going to see any of these movies and everyone is just going to want to see them so badly until everyone dies from killing themselves and then finally gets to see all the Vincent Gallo movies they want in Heaven. But what will we do until then? Oh I don’t know, make up our OWN Vincent Gallo movies maybe? Yeah I guess we can do that.
Hand On Road
Hand On Road is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some even darker things in his present. The only bright moment in his life is that every day he travels 100 miles to watch a girl (Young Actress) who doesn’t even know he exists do her job as a waitress at a diner. One day she notices that she recognizes him from all the other days and approaches him. He is very mean to her and she falls in love with him not immediately but basically immediately.
Butter on the Knife
Butter on the Knife is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some self-destructive things in his present that are only just now become destructive to things outside of himself. Most of the movie is footage of Vincent Gallo walking and then taking breaks and sitting in grass. At one point he has a bike but you don’t know how he got it and it is never explained but you think I guess he must have stolen it? It is clear that he just wants to escape. Lots of walking. Lots of sitting. There have been vague hints about a girl (Young Actress) in his past who we assume is dead. There is one scene towards the end of the movie where he stands in a room with her but doesn’t say anything. Was that a flashback? Was she never dead? What’s going on in this movie? None of these topics are ever approached. The movie ends with a 20 minute continuous scene from Vincent Galllo’s POV while he walks down a road in like Kansas or someplace that looks like Kansas.
Crooked House is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some darkish things in his present. He earns his living as a physician’s assistant, though it is unclear at first why he earns his living doing this because he looks like Vincent Gallo and who is letting him do this? Then you find out he’s allowed to do it because he knows about a murder a doctor committed and, whatever, so he’s allowed to do it. Why doesn’t he just have the doctor pay him lots of money instead of forcing the doctor to let him be a physician’s assistant which is admittedly not a glamorous job? Because all of his life he was told he wouldn’t amount to anything and because of this he dropped out of school and never went back, but then was filled with the desire to prove his deadbeat parents wrong after one of them left a particularly cruel note to him in their will after they died (it is hinted that maybe the doctor killed them). He doesn’t have a very good attitude or work ethic, though. One day he meets a girl (Young Actress) who takes a shine to him. He is mean to her and she falls in love with him not immediately but basically immediately. Then he decides he doesn’t care about being a physicians assistant because the fact that this girl likes him proves his parents wrong enough. How will he make his money then? It is unclear.
Let me know if anyone wants to write/film any of these. I’m available to play Vincent Gallo.