Obviously, this show has become ridiculous. It used to be about students at an elite private high school, their social and sexual manipulations, and handbags or whatever. That made sense. It had an internal logic to it. What is this show about now? Serena Van Der Woodsen is working for and maybe fucking a congressman? Chuck Bass owns a hotel? Dan Humphrey is dating a movie star and wants to become a playwright? This thing is all over the place. On the one hand, I’m kind of looking forward to next season, because I think this show is going to get so stupid and impossible to understand that it’s going to enter another level of hilarious awfulness. It will become it’s own parody of itself. But for the time being it’s kind of just annoying. Especially because it’s not even embracing how bad it has become. This show still seems to think it is a real show. Awwwww!
The show opens with Dan bragging to Nate about how he had a threesome with Vanessa and Hilary Duff. Yuck. For one thing, it’s probably not really that cool to brag to your friend about how you had a threesome with his ex-girlfriend. I mean, sure, everyone is everyone’s ex-girlfriend on this show, but still! Second of all, Dan forgets that the monied elite were having threesomes at their SpongeBob sleepovers in fourth grade. Nate is like “talk to me when you’ve had sex with a dragon in space.” Eyes wide shut! Nate is also like “you idiot, the third person is always supposed to be a stranger.” Thus is the theme of the rest of the show, everyone telling Dan that he should have had a threesome with Hilary Duff and a stranger, duh. Thanks to this show, children will start having more intelligent threesomes. We’ve saved our nation’s children from a lot of unnecessary emotional messiness today!
So Hilary Duff and Vanessa are having a weird pissing match to see who Dan likes better. Classic post-threesome stuff. Everyone is just like “this show is about my life, basically.” Vanessa and Dan are going to go see their traditional Morrissey concert at the Bowery Ballroom (suuuuuure they are) but Hilary Duff gets jealous and lies to Vanessa about how she made plans to go with Dan to some….theater thing…that Blair is putting on…in a coffee shop? I seriously have NO IDEA what this plotline is. Like, Dan has suddenly decided to enter the playwriting department at Tisch (cool idea, Dan!) and Blair is simultaneously trying to impress a group of people I have never seen before for some reason that I can’t understand. Anyway, the long story short is that Dan writes a play about Lady Gaga in an hour (HUUUH?) that Blair is going to star in and the play is going to be performed at the coffee shop to impress….somebody…and this is Dan’s break to become a playwriting student but Vanessa is directing and also Hilary Duff and WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Meanwhile Dan is also going to be in the play (sounds like a good play!) dressed like an extra in Newsies 2.0: Hot Off The Blogs!
Hilary Duff realizes that it wasn’t Vanessa who has always had a crush on Dan, it is Dan who has always had a crush on Vanessa! This is not a clumsy way to write Hilary Duff out of the show so that she can return to her actual career at all. This is just fluid and seamless. When they were having the threesome, Dan looked at Vanessa in a way that he’s never looked at Hilary Duff. Hahaha. You know how threesomes are. Someone is always just staring wistfully at someone else. Anyway, they break up. But Vanessa isn’t interested in Dan. So now he is all alone. As he should be.
Meanwhile, Serena tells Nate about her flirtation with his married congressman cousin, Trip. Nate is like “you should probably stop flirting with my married congressman cousin, for about a thousand reasons, but one of those reasons is that he is married, and another of those reasons is that he is a congressman.” Serena actually says that she always thought she could count on Nate but she guesses she was wrong. FUUUUUUUUCK HERRRRRR. Serena is seriously the worst. I have no idea why the writers of this show haven’t found a way to decapitate her yet. “Serena, are you coming to the Sword Gala tonight at the Met?” Or, “there is an opening at this new club Guillotine, but I don’t have anything to wear!” KILL HER. But seriously, I love that “counting on people” means “getting their blind approval on your self-destructive and morally bankrupt behavior.” Serena Van Der UGHSON.
Anyway, Nate insists that she can count on him, but that she also still REALLY probably SHOULDN’T sleep with his married congressman cousin. “Sorry I’m being so weird about this,” Nate is like. He tells her to call Trip and cancel their meeting, and then he takes her out on a pub crawl, because Nate knows that the best way to keep someone from making irresponsible decisions is to put as much alcohol in their system as you can. But all of a sudden Nate is falling in love with Serena again! LOOK OUT, BLAIR, YOU ARE NEXT, PROBABLY. Serena is about to kiss him! Man, Serena seriously has a revolving vagina.
But just then Tripp shows up because he found them somehow? Congressional secrets, I guess. He tells Serena about how his wife is the one that set him up to look like a hero during his campaign (remember? It’s OK if you don’t remember because who cares) and he just really needs to fuck a 19-year-old right now to clear his head. Serena abandons Nate and goes with Tripp. Good work, everyone. I’m glad that at the very least, this show worked in some kind of thin moral reasoning that supposedly it is OK for Serena to have sex with a married congressman because you see the married congressman’s wife did something wrong one time. UHHHHHHH.
And then there is this:
Perfect. Just to let you know how everyone involved in this show is a genius, the reason that Lady Gaga is on the show is because Blair wants to impress her new theater friends (why does she have new theater friends?) and it turns out that WALLACE SHAWN was FRIENDS with LADY GAGA when she was at Tisch. “They used to play cards together, who do you think the song ‘Poker Face’ is about?” Oh wow. HAHAHAHHA. Boooooooooooooo! I hope there was an extra round of high fives in the Gossip Girl writers room over that one. “This is perfect because of how the people who watch our show are so stupid!”
Oh, also, Jenny is going to become an International Drug Dealer? Good. Maybe she will end up in jail where she belongs.