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The Hills: How Many Pratts Does It Take To Fit In A Jail Cell?

If there is one thing in this world that I love without question it is grandmas. They’re basically moms, who are great, but even better. Let’s give it up for grandmas, everyone. Let them know. But on last night’s episode of The Hills, we were introduced to Spencer and Stephanie Pratt’s grandma, Nana, and whoa. For as horrible a goat-faced nightmare as Spencer is, and let’s be clear, he is a horrible goat-faced nightmare, there’s still the nature versus nurture thing to deal with. And since the only nature that could produce such a creature of raw selfishness and venomous misanthropy would be an ash-covered Apocalyptic horror-scape, we have to assume that nurture was involved. And Nana is proof of that.

Here she is visiting with Stephanie:

WHAT KIND OF NANA IS THIS? If it was “up to her” she would include her granddaughter in her visits, but it’s not up to her? It is absolutely up to her. That is insane. And the constant, flat-faced acknowledgment that Spencer is her favorite grand-child? To the point of saying that she’s glad she doesn’t know Spencer any better because then she might not like him, and he wouldn’t be her favorite? THIS SCENE MAKES ME SO UPSET. Even if this was heavily edited to add drama to the show, and obviously this was heavily edited to add drama to the show, no Nana with her grandchildren’s best interests at heart would agree to be part of this. The worst.

Meanwhile, Lauren and Justin Bobby, OMG. You know, she probably didn’t hook up with him, but why is she such an asshole about the whole thing? It seems completely bobby justifiable that Audrina would be confused and momentarily suspicious of what happened. Suck it up, Lauren C-word-rad. It makes absolutely no sense that she is so “offended” and “hurt” by this. Where does she get her balls?

Unbelievable. Do you know how to tell whether or not you are the problem in a situation? It’s a really easy to remember rule. If you need confirmation from Lo “Who Moved My Personality?” Bosworth that your behavior is justified, then you are the problem. Anyway, Lauren and Audrina make up, kind of. Audrina cries at least. If that counts. And Lauren stays really stone faced because of how friends should trust friends, no matter how untrustworthy the friend is. Her expression is the temperature of her vagina.

As they leave the restaurant, we were given a rare glimpse at how difficult it must be to make this show now that Lauren and Audrina et al are paparazzi fodder. Like, we know that this show is one big lie invented by a clown to impress a child, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t work extra hard to scrub it clean of the daily interferences of a gossip-obsessed world.

Did you see? Those camera flashes on Audrina as Lauren is pulling away? I guess we should not be surprised. If Hollywood has the technology to create Jurassic Park, surely there’s a way to edit out all the paparazzi shouts in post production.

Fake.