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Top Chef: If You Want To Make An Omelet, Something Something Ostrich Eggs?!

Stefan’s win last week has put fellow European contestant Fabio on the defensive. But as Fabio explains, they have a saying in Italy, “it doesn’t matter how many dragon you kill, is who take home the princess.” I think what he’s saying is that Stefan is going to kill Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons, but ultimately it is Fabio who will take home Padma.

The Quickfire this week is based on a food that New Yorkers love so much, we spend over 100 million dollars a year on it. Cocaine! Each chef has 40 minutes to create a personalized cocaine dish that rivals the cocaine dish served by one of the hundreds of classic New York kosher cocaine carts that you find all over the city. Just kidding, you guys. Eating cocaine is for assholes. Hot dogs!

Of course, Stefan and Fabio both make panini hot dogs. Because, you know, Europe. What was that expression again? “It doesn’t matter how many dragon you kill, is who make everything into a panini.” Panini are terrible. Always. I hate panini. So do the judges.

THAT IS WHAT HE SAID! Panini are like grilled sadness. But, to be fair to Stefan and Fabio, they’re not nearly as bad of an idea as SUSHI AND SPRING ROLL THEMED HOT DOGS.

Whoops, Jill and Eugene. I wonder if it’s somehow sadder that you both came up with that idea. Your mistakes aren’t even original. Also sad was Jamie’s plating technique.

Aww. “What I did was I found half a hot dog in the garbage. Enjoy.”

Radhika wins with her kabob style sausage with carmelized onions, cucumbers and tomato jam. Yum. She has immunity for the elimination challenge, which is to split into three teams and prepare a three course “New American” style lunch for 50 guests. The twist is that the guests will all be New York chefs who tried out to be on Top Chef but didn’t make it. OH SNAP. Tough crowd, tough crowd. The only thing sadder than people on reality TV are the people who are angry that they couldn’t get on reality TV.

Congratulations, that guy. Your moment of fame is to be immortalized on a stupid blog as the guy who couldn’t quite hack it on reality TV but definitely looks like a big enough douchebag.

There are some highlights to the lunch, namely Jamie’s corn soup and Fabio’s carpaccio, which leads to one of the cuter moments at the judge’s table when he thinks he’s up for elimination and begins defending what turns out to be the winning dish.

I think they’re all laughing to hide the painful discomfort of what a total c-word Padma is. The look on her face when she says “you’re here because we liked your dish” is the most common look that people have on their faces right before they get punched.

The lowlights of the lunch include Hosea’s crab salad, Arianne’s lemon meringue martini, and Jill’s ostrich egg quiche. They really set you up to think Arianne’s going to go home because of how Padma spit her lemon meringue martini into her napkin, “a first” we are told “in Top Chef history.” You know what else is a first? Everyone pretending like a lemon meringue martini is actually a thing. It’s not. Just because you put something in a martini glass doesn’t make it a martini. My famous peperoni pizzatini is proof of that.

In the end, though, it’s Jill who gets sent home for her ridiculous decision to make ostrich egg quiche. You are the silliest link, goodbye. This sends Arianne into a tear-stained tailspin.

But she is comforted by the wise words of Carla.

Yes. So true. Thousands of people are dying around the world from war and extreme poverty, but there are no mistakes, Arianne, it’s all come down to this extraordinary moment of you not getting sent home on the second episode of Top Chef. Ugh. That is the single most offensive, despicable sentiment in the entire world, and my only consolation is that there’s no way Carla’s going to make it to the top 10.

Chef’s to watch: Radhika, Jamie, Jeff (dark horse), and of course the front-runners, Stefan and Fabio.