[Originally posted on May 1st, 2013.]
Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: yo kelly, what up tho?
Kelly: nm nm nm nm nm
Gabe: how’s it hanging dude?
Kelly: Hanging perfectly straight bro
Gabe: oh yuck!
Kelly: How’s it hanging with you?
Gabe: it’s hanging pretty good all things considered
Gabe: i mean, there are still plenty of troubles in our world
Gabe: it could be hanging better
Gabe: but it’s not hanging so bad for me, personally
Kelly: And thx, as always, for the clarification
Gabe: np yw
Gabe: i would just hate for someone in a war-torn country
Gabe: to read this friendly chat
Gabe: and feel like i wasn’t acknowledging
Gabe: that it isn’t hanging perfectly all over
Kelly: That is always a big fear
Gabe: and that it is hanging lower in some places than others so to speak
Kelly: Yuck, Gabe.
Kelly: So, did you hear that Martha Stewart is going to jump into the world of online dating?
Gabe: i did actually
Gabe: sometimes i just gloss over my Martha Stewart Single Or Dating google alert
Gabe: but this time something caught my attention
Gabe: match.com, right?
Gabe: or is she using adultfriendfinder
Kelly: She’s a classy woman, Gabe, she is using Match.com.
Kelly: But there is one catch
Gabe: how could there possibly be a catch?
Gabe: I can’t imagine this going any way other than perfectly
Kelly: There are actually 2 catches b/c she’s the first catch LOL
Gabe: that was a good one, kelly
Kelly: Thank you!
Gabe: i liked that one
Gabe: so the score stands now at kelly: 1
Kelly: Kelly’s #1
Gabe: to the judges!
Gabe: and the score now stands at kelly: 0
Gabe: don’t be greedy
Kelly: All right, that’s fair
Kelly: So anyway the catch is that we, her fans, have to choose her Match.com profile picture for her
Kelly: Out of two options she’s given us
Gabe: is that a catch? or is it a golden opportunity?@!
Gabe: hahahahha well
Gabe: we have to answer a pretty important question first
Gabe: should the picture of martha stewart on her dating profile actually look like her? or should it look like a different, younger woman?
Gabe: because that might help us determine which of these pictures to choose
Kelly: how dare you!
Gabe: how dare me? how dare her!
Gabe: HOW DARE HER!
Kelly: Not her fault that all the other Match.com profile pictures aren’t professionally retouched by New You Magazine
Kelly: Which brings us to the second important question
Kelly: Should or should not her Match.com profile picture have “NEW YOU” cut off in the corner?
Kelly: I say it should because it’s like a subliminal message almost.
Gabe: you think she looks younger in the New You photo?
Kelly: I wasn’t saying that but I do actually
Kelly: You think she looks younger in the red lipstick one?
Gabe: maybe it’s just the BREEZE in her hair
Gabe: also that mustard top is not doing ANYTHING for me
Gabe: NEXT PROFILE PLEASE
Kelly: No way man, the mustard top isn’t great but the heavy makeup and black shirt?
Kelly: No thx
Kelly: Cruella DeGrandma
Gabe: well wait a second
Gabe: let’s clarify a little
Gabe: there is heavy makeup in BOTH of these photos
Gabe: if you think there is not heavy makeup in the mustard photo
Gabe: then you are going to be very surprised
Gabe: on your first date
Kelly: I’m just saying the second is a more obviously made up look.
Kelly: I guess it’s a day vs. night look that we disagree on.
Gabe: well we are also having two different arguments
Gabe: because my whole original point was that black top picture
Gabe: looks younger and less like her
Gabe: that doesn’t mean it is the one she should choose!
Kelly: Sure sure sure
Gabe: and you actually seem to be agreeing with me, even though you are arguing against me, which is just typical Kelly
Kelly: I for sure do not agree that choice B looks younger, though.
Gabe: look, mustard top’s got the neck tendons and the bloodless lips
Gabe: but here’s the thing: girl has neck tendons and bloodless lips
Gabe: isn’t she looking for someone who will love her for who she is?!
Gabe: wait, actually, that’s a good question: what does she want the person to love her for?
Gabe: her money, yes, but what else?
Kelly: Her chow chows
Kelly: Just those two things probably
Gabe: but if she did choose the mustard top photo, even though it is a more accurate depiction and i do NOT like liars and won’t date them
Gabe: i wouldn’t ask her for a date on match.com
Gabe: because i would be scared
Gabe: that she would show up
Gabe: in that mustard top
Gabe: and the whole date i would just be like, “i hate your top”
Gabe: whereas if she posted the black top photo and we went on a date i’d be like “now we are talking”
Gabe: “but your face looks different’
Gabe: it’s a tough call!
Gabe: i can see why martha put it to the fans (us)
Kelly: If she chose the black top photo I don’t think I would ask her on a date on Match.com because I would be thinking, “Why is this lady trying to impress me so much with her nighttime look.”
Kelly: Because you know she’s only going to be wearing that nighttime look everyone once in a while.
Gabe: is she though?
Gabe: i mean, she is also martha stewart
Gabe: i feel like the black top look weeds out the riff raff
Gabe: because if you think she is too glamorous then it’s not going to work out anyway
Gabe: you probably don’t even own your own tuxedo, do you?
Kelly: I own my own tuxedo.
Kelly: Ugh, no I don’t that was a lie
Gabe: I FEEL LIKE WE ALREADY WENT OVER THE LIARS THING
Kelly: I know, I’m sorry but I was intimidated
Kelly: I guess you’re right about Martha being glamorous, but she for sure is not walking around her castle or whatever in a fancy dress all the time
Kelly: Not even Gwyneth Paltrow does that
Kelly: So I think I’d be more inclined to ask mustard top out on a date because I’d think, “Now this is a lady I can see myself hanging out with all the time.”
Gabe: ok, but now let’s take it back again
Gabe: and this is why this is so tricky and SUCH an important decision
Gabe: but setting aside what YOU want, let’s figure out what SHE wnats
Gabe: does she want some slob like you who thinks they could probably hang out with her?
Gabe: or does she want A REAL PRINCE
Kelly: A real price who would insult her mustard top on a first date?!
Gabe: dress for the prince you want, not the prince you have
Gabe: that’s what i’ve ALWAYS said
Kelly: Listen if she wants some kind of real prince with “his own tuxedo” and big cartoon money signs for eyeballs
Kelly: which very well may be what she wants
Kelly: then I guess she should go for choice B.
Gabe: ok, so choice b it is? we agree?
Gabe: and we all agree that choice a sucks and is a gross choice?
Gabe: and that the only thing that can be said about it is that it doesn’t intimidate kelly?
Kelly: UH AND SHE IS MORE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL IN IT BUT YEAH I GUESS JUST THOSE 2
Kelly: I guess it just comes down to whether she wants a sweetheart or a jerk.
Kelly: If she wants a sweetheart she’ll pick what I want, if she wants a jerk she’ll pick what you want.
Gabe: sounds like someone is jealous
Gabe: of what martha and i share
Gabe: which is everything
Gabe: “thank you for meeting me on this date, kelly. so, tell me, how many points do you have, sweetheart?”
Gabe: DATE OVER.
Gabe: “oh, gabe, i love that you wore a tuxedo even though we are only meeting for drinks. i’m going to put you in my will as my sole heir REGARDLESS of how this turns out.”
Gabe: thank you, match.com, you are a great love computer
Gabe: hey, kelly, no hard feelings
Gabe: i’m sorry she chose me over you
Gabe: BUT i think you might have better luck on a different site?
Gabe: have you tried http://personals.theonion.com/
Kelly: I just feel bad for Martha.
Kelly: You’d think after so many years in the business she’d have learned to sniff out a rotten leech
Kelly: and that taking her dating life to Match.com would have been in an attempt to meet someone who wasn’t all about tuxedos and being her sole heir
Kelly: But I guess there is just no helping some people
[Originally posted on May 1st, 2013.]