Gwyneth Paltrow’s English Garden Party

Kelly Conaboy | September 13, 2013 - 10:45 am

You arrive at Gwyneth Paltrow’s star-studded GOOP garden party in the Hamptons. You look around and notice that you are surrounded by celebrities, ultra-thin beauty monsters, and — through no fault of their own, yet — nightmare children. (All white.) “Why are all the beauty monsters just floating around?” you wonder. “Wait, were these people paid to just show up, look like fashionable assholes, and half-dance through the crowd?” After observing them for a few more minutes — moving, laughing, posing — you decide that they must have been. Or maybe this is just what they do at all the parties they’re invited to? How do they get invited to parties? Huh. You have never been to a garden party quite like this before. In the distance you see Gwyneth Paltrow DOING THE GANGNAM STYLE DANCE. Jesus Christ. Children around you jump and somersault to wild cheering from the crowd, embedding in their minds the idea that the praise they receive for even the most basic accomplishment, and in fact, nearly everything they receive in their lives, is deserved. A waiter hands you a glass of champagne, replacing your last glass of champagne. You’re not sure if you like this all white people garden party or not, but the glasses of champagne do help. You blink your eyes twice — deep blinks — and your vision is blurred and then refocused. You pull away from your computer screen. In your hand is not a glass of champagne, but a glass of water your friend brought you. “You wanted some water, right?” she says, seeing your bewildered expression. You weren’t at Gwyneth’s English Garden Party at all. You were merely watching the short video of her wealthy white people only party that she made for her bullshit lifestyle website. Calm and anger rush over you at once. Scene.

COOL PARTY THX 4 THE VID. (Via LaineyGossip.)