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The Perfect Crime: Licking Some Mashed Potatoes (Allegedly)

By Gabe Delahaye / February 21, 2013 - 11:45 am

I don’t actually know how anything works, obviously, so I am sure there are probably some very solid theories out there about what is the best way to maintain a civil society, and that this includes putting murderers and rapists in prison, yes, but it also includes giving people expensive tickets for spitting on the sidewalk in front of a woman or whatever. Again, I have no idea. That sounds about right? Like, when a cop is giving someone a ticket for some mild non-offense and the person asks “don’t you have anything better to do” or “shouldn’t you be arresting an actual criminal” the answer is probably “yes, and I am going to do that right after I am done doing this thing, which is no real sweat off of my back, so relax.” I’m not saying I approve of severe punishments for spitting on the sidewalk in front of women, although it is gross guys, but just that it’s all part of the Joker’s plan and you can’t ONLY arrest people when the pre-Cogs say they are about to have killed the mayor. That’s not the ONLY thing we need to keep on top of for safety in our communities. All of that being said, though, when a teenager who works at KFC on her off-hours from school posts a picture on Facebook of herself possibly licking a tub of mashed potatoes, it is fine for the KFC to fire her and release a public statement concerning their dedication to food safety, but does the local news need to treat it like this is Season 5 of The Wire? They do? Because in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War it says that we must “punish all children publicly and egregiously”? Well, this is war, so I guess you are right.

AND SHE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO, IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU PESKY OH SHE AND/OR A FRIEND POSTED IT TO FACEBOOK THEMSELVES FOR SOME WEIRD REASON? WELL THAT WAS ALSO A BAD DECISION. This is Abu Grahib all over again if you listen to these fucking newscasters tell it. Oh man, remember Abu Grahib? #memories