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James Franco Diagnoses The Lindsay Lohan Situation Perfectly

Gabe Delahaye | December 19, 2012 - 11:45 am

Yesterday afternoon, the news broke that Lindsay Lohan clogged a toilet. Not only that, but she clogged a toilet so bad that all the other toilets on the movie set had to be shut down for days. DAYS! Can you even imagine? “What happened, I need to use the bathroom?” “You cannot use the bathroom, Lindsay Lohan broke the bathroom, via her own toilet, which she clogged. DON’T YOU EVEN READ THE NEWS?!” Now, of course, Lohan is claiming that she was “framed,” and that the toilet clogging story was just a horrible rumor created by the Scary Movie 5 producers in retaliation for her not showing up to her first day of shooting. Probably! Occam’s Razor suggests that if you are unsure whether or not Lindsay Lohan clogged a toilet, the most ridiculous answer (that she was FRAMED) is probably the correct one. In any case, this is just another story in a long string of stories about America’s lady of interest that seem to appear on a nearly daily basis at this point. Will it ever end? Not unless Random House and Penguin stop getting into bidding wars over all of these Lindsay Lohan books, says James Franco in an interview with MTV (via TheSuperficial):

MTV: It seems like every few months there’s a setback for her.
Franco: I haven’t talked to her in a long time because it seemed like she was getting into some more trouble. I’ve tried to help her. I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is when she gets in trouble, she gets all this attention and I’m sure she gets book offers. Like she goes to jail, and instead of feeling like I really hit a low place, she’ll get a crazy offer for her jail memoir.

Haha, yeah. Lindsay Lohan’s real problem is all of these BOOK DEALS. At a certain point, America is going to need to realize that it is perpetuating a dangerous and destructive cycle of BOOK DEAL OBSESSION. I feel like you can’t go a week without hearing that Lindsay Lohan is writing another book about her exploits. The Perfect Crime: How I Was Framed For Clogging A Toilet: The Lindsay Lohan Story, Part 100. OUR generation’s Harry Potter. And where does it end? What’s next for this poor girl? Endless college degrees? Dr. Franco, does she need to worry about excessive college degrees and adjunct professorships during concurrent semesters on opposite sides of the country while also putting together a cocaine-fueled chapbook of her graduate thesis poetry on the way to the art gallery to sell her performance piece to Harmony Korine as a bit for the documentary about MadTV she is directing?! PLEASE, DR. FRANCO, HELP HER HELP US!