The other day I was in a friend’s apartment and saw what looked like a cross between a spider, a scorpion, and a fly. Alone in the room, I stood frozen for a few moments before deciding that I could not just let this horrible demon go on to possibly make more little horrible demons in this apartment/world, so I picked up a magazine, gathered all of the courage I had inside of me, and squashed it. Feeling confident I picked up the magazine only to find that this thing, whatever it was, was first of all not dead and second of all COULD FLY. I yelped, naturally, in a way that made my friend come running — “What happened?!” they asked. All I could do was point to the horrible thing, which had now landed on a door. “Oh, I’ll get it,” they said, with no idea of what they were up against. After picking up another tool to squash the thing, my friend pressed it confidently against the door. Nope. Did not kill it. Noticing the defeat, my friend picked it up in the piece of paper and tried to squash it in the paper in his fingers. NOPE. DID NOT KILL IT. So then my friend brought it to the sink and picked up a pair of scissors and cut it with the scissors and then it was dead. R.I.P. A sad story for all the spiscorpifly fans out there, for sure, but also a horrifying story for me to have to carry around for the rest of my life. With that said, though, it was a much better way to kill whatever that thing was than the method this gentleman used.
Who even knows what this guy is or whatever the heck is going on in his life, but he brings up an important point: Don’t squash spiders with brass knuckles, because then they’ll just go into your wall and have a million spider babies and your walls will be just breathing with spider babies. Here are some better ways to deal with spiders:
- Have someone else put it in a jar and release it outside.
- Have someone else step on it with a shoe.
- Have someone else deal with it and not talk to you about what they did or how it looked or anything.
- Have someone else feed it to a hungry animal that eats and likes spiders.
- Have someone else put it in a jar and give it to a kid who is interested in spider jars.
- Have someone else throw it out a window.
- Have someone else do whatever it takes.
There you go! Everyone get the heck out of Spokane! (Via reddit.)