Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I rewatched Beverly Hills Cop (it is streaming on Netflix!) and that movie is so great. There was this moment in the 1980s when you could make a comedy that had lots of funny jokes in it for sure, but it also wasn’t afraid to not be funny sometimes if that made more sense. Not to mention: no explosive diarrhea scenes, the staple of any modern comedy. That’s how you know it’s hilarious! The result was a crop of comedies that were grounded and interesting and that stand the test of time. Haha, who cares burn it all to the ground Bieber 3D Part Deux. Anyway, I was rewatching Beverly Hills Cop, like I said, and it’s great, like I said, and I started to recast the movie using all of our favorite actors today. Normal. We all do this, I’m sure. (You may have already heard that they are actually developing Beverly Hills Cop into a TV show for CBS, but that is not what I am talking about. That sounds like a highly questionable idea at best. I am talking about remaking Beverly Hills Cop shot-for-shot, but with a fresh new cast that appeals to the kids.) This is actually a pretty fun game though, and it was particularly fun with this movie. Check out this great new cast!
Jason Segal IS Detective William ‘Billy’ Rosewood
Jason Segal would be perfect as the sweet, charming, and wet behind the ears junior detective Billy Rosewood. So naive and winning! It also doesn’t hurt that he’s about as close as we have in this day and age to a “Judge Reinhold Type.”
Nick Offerman IS Detective Sgt. John Taggart
Do you need me to explain this to you? No you do not. You are smart.
Nick Kroll IS Serge
This is actually where the game started. Watching Bronson Pinchot vamp it up as a gay Euro art gallery receptionist reminded me so much of Nick Kroll’s stand up and obviously if we were to remake this movie, Nick Kroll would play this role, and he would do it perfectly. Here is the clip, just for reference:
Alan Dale IS Victor Maitland
Alan Dale is more of a television actor at this point in his career, but after scene-stealing turns in both The O.C. and Lost as ruthless, power-hungry, vaguely foreign seeming businessmen, he would be perfect to play a ruthless, power-hungry, vaguely foreign seeming businessman.
Jonathan Banks IS Zack
Whoa. Literally. When I was rewatching the movie this weekend, I thought that Victor Maitland’s violent second-in-command looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place him. It’s Mike! Our old pal Mike! This is called “stunt casting.”
Sam Rockwell IS Mikey Tandino
Sam Rockwell has exactly the kind of manic energy and hangdog sympathy required to bring Axel Foley’s troubled best friend into the modern age.
Damon Wayans Jr. IS Banana Man
Beverly Hills Cop was Damon Wayans’s first on-screen appearance as the iconic “Banana Man.” Unfortunately, of course, Damon Wayans has passed away. But his son can do it, it’s only, like, two lines.
Kristen Bell IS Jeannette ‘Jenny’ Summers
Jenny Summers doesn’t really do much in this movie. She’s mostly just cute and she gets kidnapped. This isn’t a dig on Kristen Bell’s work as an actress. She is very talented and has a huge range, I’m sure. But she also is cute, and she is great at being kidnapped, probably, and I just think she would do a good job. (If the studios want to skew even younger and get that Hunger Games $$$ though I also think Jennifer Lawrence could play this part. It is not a hard part but also she is a good actress even if it was they both are why am I so defensive?)
Steve Martin IS Lieutenant Andrew Bogomil
Steve Martin is not exactly a fresh face on the comedy scene, but he now has the gravitas to play Los Angeles’s bureau chief, not to mention that he and Eddie Murphy both became household names through their early work on Saturday Night Livef, so that’s fun to include on the Wikipedia page for this version of the movie which is real and def happening.
Donald Glover and Zac Efron ARE Detectives McCabe and Foster
Look, someone has to play detectives McCabe and Foster. In 2012, though, McCabe will be the black one and Foster will be the white one, because we’re modern and we like to show we can change our ways.
Eddie Murphy IS Detective Axel Foley
Honestly, you can’t really have Beverly Hills Cop without Eddie Murphy (sorry CBS!). I know that he’s getting on in years, and I know that his work in recent films (Haunted Mansion, Tower Heist) has been one of those crushing disappointments where you realize just how long life is and how much work we can all do to destroy the good will we try so hard to build up. But it’s Eddie Murphy! He is a fish out of water!
Look for this movie on Lifetime, right after this week’s episode of Liz & Dick!