Duh Aficionado Magazine: Mitt Romney Isn’t Coach Taylor

By Gabe Delahaye / October 11, 2012

Recently, Republican candidate for President of the United States of America, Mitt Romney, adopted the beloved slogan of the fictional high school football team from Friday Night Lights, the Dillon Panthers, as his own. He can be seen kiss-slapping a banner of the slogan just before heading out onto the Colorado stage for the last debate, just like the Dillon Panthers would do before a game, and the slogan is also on his Facebook page. Obviously, this is some bullshit. Who is he even supposed to be, anyway? He’s OBVIOUSLY not Coach Taylor. Obviously. That is so obvious. Coach Taylor isn’t one of these slick-talking, Paulie Walnuts hair-having businessmen with summer homes and country clubs. That’s more Buddy Garrity’s thing. Coach Taylor takes care of his family, and that’s enough. (His players are also his family, he takes care of them, too.) He doesn’t talk a lot, but what he says, that shit is on point. You would never see Coach Taylor making this “47 percent” gaffe. And if he was in a Presidential debate, he sure as hell wouldn’t LIE ALL OVER THE PLACE and pop his EYEBALLS OUT OF HIS HEAD. If he was in a Presidential debate, Coach Taylor would get up there and he would sigh and scrunch his eyes up in that way coach does, and he would say “I don’t even want to be here tonight, but I figured y’all deserved the honest truth.” And you know what? Coach would probably lose the debate and the election even though he’s the best man for the job because the town never understands coach. And then Mrs. Taylor would wrap her arms around him and maybe they would open a bottle of wine or have a nice cold beer. Mitt Romney doesn’t even drink! But, so, OK, Mitt Romney isn’t Coach Taylor. Who else then? TIM RIGGINS? Don’t make me laugh. On charisma and sexual appetite alone, that’s not possible. He probably doesn’t even want to be Matt Saracen, because Matt Saracen is poor. He’s not Landry, obviously, because just the name Crucifictorious is probably a sin. Wait, no, I have got it. Do you know who Mitt Romney is? He’s J.D. McCoy’s fucking dad. That’s who he is. And do you know who J.D. McCoy’s dad is? He’s the one who RUINED THE DILLON PANTHERS and he’s the reason WE STOPPED SAYING “CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN’T LOSE.” We’re the Dillon Lions now. And we say different stuff. Fuck the Panthers anyway. (Via Salon, HyperVocal.)