Republican representative Todd Akin (R-MO) got into some hot water yesterday when an interview clip went “viral” of him suggesting not only that some rapes are legitimate while other rapes are not legitimate (yikes) but also that when the rapes are legitimate a woman’s body naturally shuts down her reproductive proceses in reaction (no, this is not true) and therefore we should not even worry about the existence of babies as the product of rape or incest because if the woman’s body didn’t shut down then she probably in her heart of hearts wanted to make sweet love (and babies) with her horrifying and possibly related assailant. Guhhhhh. There have obviously been calls from both sides of the aisle for him to withdraw from his senate race. People on the left want him to withdraw because he’s an asshole, and people on the right want him to withdraw so he stops making the rest of them look like assholes. But far be it from someone who thinks that legitimate rape results in magical infertility to just give up his God-given quest to lead our nation to salvation. Instead, Todd Akin has made an apologetic campaign ad. It is pretty incredible, actually.
Well, first of all, no, Tracy Morgan. The mistake you made was absolutely not in the words you said. It’s not like this dude said, “rape is good” when he clearly meant “rape isn’t good.” That’s a thing that could happen! And a firestorm would still erupt even though everyone could tell from his inflection and other contextual clues that he clearly meant to say “isn’t” but just slipped up in the heat of the moment. Maybe he’s talking about the word “legitimate,” which OK, just to play devil’s advocate, we can say that he had some vague, ill-formed thought in his mind and he grasped at word straws and picked legitimate and it blew up in his face, and maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE he then went on to argue that WOMEN’S BODIES DON’T GET PREGNANT FROM “REAL” RAPES. So it’s no longer about word choice at that point is the problem here. I’m sure that Todd Akin doesn’t WANT everyone to GET raped, which seems to be what he is apologizing for, but no one was really arguing that. People were just arguing that you’re an over-privileged, misogynistic white man with absolutely no clue of what you are talking about who would be a potently dangerous person to put into a position of power for the future of our country. That’s all, buddy! Don’t even sweat it!
Oh man though how much do I love a campaign ad that basically says “I’m sorry for the terrible things I said about rape, and that is why you should vote for me.” I mean, that is what this is. That’s amazing! “My family knows that in my heart I don’t want my two teenage daughters to get raped, and that’s why I’m asking my fellow Missourians to vote Todd Akin for senate.” Incredible! (Similarly, I’m fascinated by the latest round of Romney ads that I can’t seem to find on-line but that suggest that Obama is a super great, totally chill dude that we all want to kiss on the mouth, but that doesn’t mean we should re-elect him for president, and that you can totally vote for Romney while still wishing you could just snuggle all night with America’s Sweetheart Barack Obama, that is totally something Romney understands and approves. That is a weird strategy! Weird and also losing!)
But the most important thing I even want to talk about here is did you hear what Mike Huckabee said?! It might be even worse than what Todd Akin said!! So, Mike Huckabee discussed the Todd Akin scandal on his XM Satellite Radio show or whatever the fuck he even does these days, and allowed the congressman to come on his show and apologize, and basically just attempted to make everything seem like it was being blown out of proportion and yet another example of the lamestream media twisting someone’s words in their mouth. SURE. FINE. Except then he went on to say that a lot of “admirable” people were born out of rape. “Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of a forcible rape,” Huckabee said. OH HOLY SHIT. So basically MORE people should get raped because think of all the great RANDOM GOSPEL SINGERS the world is missing!!!! More Rapes = More Friends. UNBELIEVABLE. How is THAT GUY not being forced to make apology videos? That is some horrible shit right there. That is just the worst shit ever. Take Back the Night might want to start thinking about opening a daytime chapter because it is getting SCARY out here.