A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Kristen Stewart’s Possibly Fake Boobs

By staff / July 18, 2012

Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Kelly: How’s it going?
Gabe: pretty good, thanks
Gabe: how are you?!
Gabe: how are you?!?!??!?!?!?!?!
Gabe: r u ok?!
Kelly: WHOA.
Kelly: I’m fine!
Kelly: Why, what’s up? Do you know something I don’t?
Kelly: AM I NOT OK?
Gabe: i think you’ll be fine
Gabe: don’t worry about it
Gabe: i’m sure it’s nothing
Kelly: But wait
Kelly: There IS something then? GABE
Gabe: NAH
Gabe: DON’T EVEN SWEAT IT
Kelly: Well, ok. I trust that you’d let me know if it were something I needed to know.
Kelly: Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kelly:
Kelly: HAVE YOU SEEN KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS LATELY?

Gabe: sure
Gabe: probably?
Gabe: i mean, i’m just going to assume that i have
Gabe: i’m a grown man in america 2012
Gabe: how could i not?
Gabe: oh no wait!
Gabe: is SHE ok? are her boobs OK?!
Kelly: ARE THEY EVER!
Kelly: There were pictures released a few days ago from Comic-Con in which she wore a yellow skirt and some sort of short white shirt
Gabe: right, “the pictures” we all know
Kelly: And the public is just starting to realize that in those very photos
Kelly: Her boobs
Kelly: look
Kelly: BIGGER
Gabe: WHAT?!
Gabe: first of all, GET THE KIDS OUT OF THE ROOM
Gabe: and now DISH
Kelly: OK SO. A DOCTOR was quoted as saying, AND I QUOTE
Kelly: “Her breasts have gone from what looked like a large A cup to a large B cup.”
Gabe: hahahahhaha, GOOD DOCTOR!
Gabe: do you know if he’s accepting new patients?
Kelly: He’s a Michigan-based plastic surgeon, so you might be in luck
Kelly: Also I know what you’re thinking
Kelly: “Could this be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra?”
Kelly: WELL NO BECAUSE LOOK HE ALSO SAID THIS
Kelly: “While this might be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra, it’s most likely the result of a breast augmentation,”
Kelly: Case closed
Gabe: i actually hate to have to be the one to say this
but that’s actually A TOTALLY DIFFERENT DOCTOR WHO SAID THAT
Gabe: i feel like this is an important story
Gabe: and we are journalists
Gabe: so to get something like that wrong in our REPORTING
Gabe: where you attribute two separate quotes to the same “source”
Gabe: is just appalling
Gabe: and that’s why
Gabe: you are fired
Kelly: No way, is it?
Gabe: JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE DOUBLE FIRED
Kelly: OH DANG YOU’RE RIGHT
Kelly: The first one was actually New York City-based.
Gabe: yes
Gabe: you’re seriously off the rails
Kelly: Ok, I’m fired! See you later!
Gabe: you’re basically our generation’s JUDY MILLER
Gabe: go to jail
Kelly: Have fun talking about Kristen Stewart’s boobs YOURSELF
Gabe: I ALWAYS DO
Kelly: I’M SURE.
Gabe: GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER YOU DO NEXT
Gabe: OBVIOUSLY I CANNOT WRITE YOU A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Gabe: “TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I CANNOT RECOMMEND THAT YOU DON’T HIRE KELLY STRONGLY ENOUGH.”
Kelly: WELL FINE THAT’S JUST FINE THEN GABE
Kelly: I CANNOT IMAGINE THAT WHATEVER I DO NEXT WILL REQUIRE A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Kelly: FROM A BULLY OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BREASTS
Gabe: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT
Gabe: I AM NOT SURE HOW TOUGH THE HIRING POLICIES FOR
Gabe: AIRPLANE BAGGAGE HANDLER
Gabe: OR MIDTOWN NIGHT CLUB BATHROOM ATTENDANT ARE
Gabe: MAYBE THEY ARE TOUGH, NO OFFENSE TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO THOSE JOBS
Gabe: IN WHICH CASE YOU STILL CANNOT GET A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Gabe: SO YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN GET THOSE JOBS
Gabe: YOU’LL PROBABLY JUST WORK AT YOUR PARENT’S HOUSE
Gabe: DOING CHORES FOR AN ALLOWANCE
Gabe: LOLOLOLOLOL

Kelly: :'(
Gabe: ALSO, I’M NOT “OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS”
Kelly: HAH
Gabe: I’M OBSESSED WITH PROPERLY ATTRIBUTING REAL DOCTORS WHO SEEM SO REAL AND LEGIT AND LIKE GOOD DOCTORS
Gabe: THOSE PEOPLE WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE THEY ARE, KELLY
Gabe: UNLIKE YOU
Kelly: LISTEN. I KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT. I KNOW DR. MATTHEW SCHULMAN AND DR. ANTHONY YOUN HAVE COME A LONG WAY TO MAKE THESE CLAIMS ABOUT FORMER AND CURRENT BREAST SIZE BASED ON RED CARPET PHOTOS.
Kelly: BUT I AM GOING TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE IMMEDIATELY, UNLIKE YOU
Kelly: WHO WILL ONLY LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE
Kelly: ONCE
Kelly: SOMETHING HAPPENS
Kelly: AND I AM IN CHARGE
Kelly: OF EVERYTHING
Gabe: THIS IS A GREAT THREAT
Gabe: LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
Gabe: THIS THREAT IS GOING TO TAKE
Gabe: I MIGHT NEED TO MOVE SOME THINGS AROUND
Gabe: ON MY SCHEDULE
Gabe: BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE AND HEAR THE WHOLE THREAT
Kelly: IT’S PROBABLY GOING TO TAKE A WHILE
Kelly: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW
Gabe: YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT, I TELL YOU WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT
Gabe: WORRY ABOUT THIS
Gabe: http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/worsening-drought-puts-food-supply-at-risk/?ref=us
Gabe: AND ALSO THIS
Gabe: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/world/africa/jidhadists-fierce-justice-drives-thousands-to-flee-mali.html?ref=world
Kelly: SO WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE THINGS OR AM I FIRED?
Kelly: MAKE UP YOUR MIND, GABE
Gabe: NOW YOU’RE TRIPLE FIRED
Kelly: JUST IN TIME
Kelly: CAUSE I JUST WENT FROM A “LARGE A” DON’T CARE TO A “LARGE B” DON’T CARE!!!!