Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Finalized Their Divorce Settlement OR Puppies Making Messes

By Gabe Delahaye / July 9, 2012

As by now you probably know, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already finalized the settlement of their divorce just days after it was announced. It surely involves a certain amount of monetary remuneration for Katie Holmes in return for her legally mandated silence. Some people are suggesting that she has been banned from talking about his sexual preference for men, or from disclosing the true nature of his relationship with the Church of Scientology and what happens behind their closed, golden doors. No one, of course, is suggesting that it’s not anyone’s business whatsoever because despite their very public relationship and the invasive nature of modern celebrity culture and just the overall sense that something’s WRONG with Tom Cruise, the two of them are, as far as science can determine, both HUMAN BEINGS in charge of the welfare of a living child and therefore deserve a modicum of decency and a respect for some semblance of their privacy, whatever that even means at this point. No one is saying that we shouldn’t all bury our noses deep into whatever they have going on between them and snort around. So, we can talk about that if we want, just jump right into that swamp of sadness along with everyone else, OR, we can talk about how puppies make messes and how when you come home to find a big puppy mess on the one hand you are like GODDAMN IT, PUPPY, THOSE WERE MY BELONGINGS YOU RUINED ALL OVER THE PLACE, and on the other hand you are like, OH PUPPY, IT IS A SURPRISE TO SEE YOUR FACE EVERY SINGLE TIME I JUST WANT TO PUT YOUR FACE ON A SANDWICH! It’s really up to you guys which one we discuss. Do we douse ourselves in schadenfreude and light a rumor match or do we PUPPPIIEEEEEEES MAKIN’ MESSESSSSSS?! Up to you. 100%.