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Harry Potter Turns Into Hunger Games For Owls

By Gabe Delahaye / May 21, 2012 - 9:30 am

I’ll give you all a moment for the inevitable applause break following that Pulitzer Prize nominated headline before we get into the story. [Applause Break. Shouts of "Goooood headline!" ring out.] OK! Let’s get to it. A bunch of stupid fucking kids told their annoying parents to buy them owls because they saw that Harry Potter had an owl and they decided they were brats so they needed an owl and their parents were just like, “Dehrrrr,” but now that there aren’t even more movies being made no one wants the sad owls anymore and it’s a goddamned tragedy. From the Daily Mirror:

Hundreds of owls are being abandoned across the country after being bought as pets by Harry Potter fans. Sanctuaries are full of the birds now the craze has faded after the release of the final Harry Potter film last year. And it’s feared many more have been illegally released into the wild and will have starved to death or taken over territory inhabited by smaller wild owls.

Ugh. Owls can live for up to 20 years. They have so much post-Harry Potter nightmare ahead of them! I feel like you all owe me an apology.

That is a link to a post in which I said I didn’t like the Harry Potter movies very much and everyone turned into a real SALLY SADPANTS. This is basically YOUR FAULT, PROBABLY. Also, wasn’t there a Harry Potter movie, like, six months ago? It was not THAT long ago that the last movie came out. At least people waited until the very last movie came out before dumping their owls into Whoops Ocean. “One last midnight screening, Tootsie, and then I’m going to flush you down the LOO because I hate your shit-smeared face. But let’s enjoy tonight!” What a bunch of bloody cunts.

Not that we shouldn’t have seen this coming, considering England’s long herstory of novelty pop-culture-based pet ownership:

The Harry Potter owl craze echoes that of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film in the early 1990s, when thousands of ­unwanted pet terrapins were dumped in Britain’s rivers, canals and lakes.

Haha. Cowabunga, JERKS. (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)