It has been a long road. It’s hard to believe that over the last few years we’ve all spent one hundred hours of our lives — every single one of us– –certainly not just me and a handful of others — watching the young adult lives of Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, and Dan unfold, revealing the crumpled-up piece of garbage that is Gossip Girl. A wonderful, intricately crumpled piece of garbage that, with each new smoothing over of a wrinkle, reveals a million more garbage bits hidden inside. [Ed. Note: Please check out Dan Humphry’s Inside, available wherever fake best-sellers are sold.] And now finally, during the show’s PRETTY BAD 100th episode, we find out the one thing that no one has ever really cared to know since the series began: WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL?! Also we find out: WILL BLAIR REALLY MARRY THAT PRINCE?! Also we find out: WILL CYRUS MAKE A PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE?! Also we find out: OH NO MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG WAS LISTED IN THE OPENING CREDITS!!!! So, please, let’s talk about it. After the jump.
UGH, EVERYTHING WAS TERRIBLE! KIND OF! Blair’s transformation this season from a smart, conniving, and ultimately kind of REAL silly bitch into someone who would let a pact made under duress with a God she just obtained in order to marry a Prince (secretly, for some reason?) (why couldn’t she let anyone know she was converting to Catholicism?) (just because EVERYTHING has to be a secret?) control the events of her entire life has been very disappointing! THAT’S NOT OUR BLAIR! Blair doesn’t let a God she didn’t believe in until two seconds ago stop her! She plans a scheme and then Dorota makes a worried face! Nothing on this show ever makes sense, but at least when it hasn’t made sense in the past it’s always under A MILLION layers of people sleeping with and drugging and almost killing each other. This “Blair and Chuck cannot be together because of a God promise” plot line is just dumb and lazy and boring. Do you even care about this show anymore, Gossip Girl writers?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?! IS ANYONE?????!!!!!!!!!
Ok, next: A thing I did like about the episode was Louis’s threat speech at the end, given after Gossip Girl revealed that Blair still loved Chuck. (DURING THE WEDDING?) (Honestly, EVERYONE checks their phones and WATCHES A VIDEO DURING THE CEREMONY?) (Give me a break!) (Give me one goddamn break!) Anyway, the threat speech was more Blair than anything Blair has done this whole season. “Smile. Smile for the cameras.” Hahaha. Terrible, and super stupid, and super good. Though it was obvious that that was what was going to happen, after Louis’s mom wanted to talk to him again — after giving him a weird talk about how marriage is a business deal. And it’s like, why doesn’t Louis just marry HIS MOM, right? This is how professionals write about TV shows, right? RIGHT?!
I’m so upset that Georgina is back. Obviously Georgina was going to come back, because she’s been “back” in every single season, but UGH GEORGINA IS THE WORST! The reveal at the end, that Georgina was Gossip Girl, was annoying not only because NO SHE’S NOT, but also because it meant that she’s in this season for keeps. And that is terrible news. But, to talk about the real thing: Georgina is definitely not Gossip Girl! Not that, again, anyone cares WHO Gossip Girl is for real. But I refuse to believe that Georgina, from Switzerland, where she was during the first season, was the main source of gossip about the lives of high schoolers back in NYC. Hahaha. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! Believe me, I’ve spent ALL NIGHT thinking about it — weighing the pros and cons — and it’s just something that I refuse to believe. So that means she is the new Gossip Girl, picking up where the old one left off after being forced to stop after causing Chuck and Blair’s convenient baby-killing car accident. BUT I DON’T WANT HER TO BE THE NEW GOSSIP GIRL! I don’t like looking at her face! Why doesn’t she just go to wherever they sent Vanessa!
Ok, obviously we’re all so excited about how dumb this show is that we can’t really even write about it coherently. So. What do you guys think? Everything that I said? Do you think Nate’s gonna marry that waitress? What do you think his grand gesture is going to be? Is Blair gonna marry Dan next? Are Chuck and Serena gonna get married, just to make them mad? But then find out that they really love each other? What’ll happen to Monkey?
PS: Cyrus did make a Princess Bride reference.