Portland’s Clown Costume Man’s Daily List Of Things To Do
– Wake Up.
— Find glasses.
— Unable to find glasses, lie in bed resolving to come up with a designated place to put glasses in the future.
— Unable to decide on a designated place to put glasses, resolve that you will just buy extra-large clown glasses. Refuse to get up until you’ve convinced yourself that this is the right decision. Why buy another pair of normal-size glasses? Just so you can lose them again in your room full of giant clown furniture? How long is this going to go on?
— Remember that you’re going through a major transition period. You haven’t been dressing in a completely insane clown costume to scare people who are just trying to get through their own miserable days as best they can for your whole life. Go easy on yourself. You’ll get the giant clown glasses when you feel it’s right.
— Get out of bed, trip on extra-large roller skate, make a “bonk” noise.
— In the bathroom, look at your reflection in the mirror.
— Really look at it. Is this who you are?
— Put on your giant clown mask.
— Breathe a sigh of relief.
— Practice your scary hands in the mirror for the remainder of the morning, and don’t forget to give yourself credit for the progress you’ve been making. No one in this town does scary clown hands like you do. And while rollerblading? While wearing a giant clown costume? Please. You’re at the top of your game. Unstoppable.
— Put your rollerblades on and rollerblade down the stairs, tripping immediately on a large bowling ball and hitting every step on the way down.
— Pick up the pieces of your giant clown costume that scattered around your house. Brush them off. Look at it fondly before suiting up. How long have you been doing this? How long will you continue? You honestly don’t remember and have no idea. Probably forever? Suit up.
— Head to town, scare every tree on the way. Note which of your methods of seem particularly “on.”
— Once you’ve arrived in town, begin rollerblading after people. Follow them very closely.
— Scare them.
— Keep scaring them all day, but never ever say anything to them.
— Don’t drink any water or eat anything, remember you cannot do that, do not do that.
— Keep scaring.
— Just get a few more in.
— For your finale, trip on a sewer grate and fall on a group of young women. If they become particularly upset, well, you deserve it. Maybe you should be arrested? Nobody understands the clown thing and, more importantly, nobody likes it. That is your cross to bear. Go home.
— When getting into bed, step on glasses.
— Squeak clown nose.
— Fall asleep.
— Have that dream again. The one where you’re in the room full of people, but no one seems to see you standing there. “HELLO,” you scream. You wave your hands in front of their faces but it’s like you don’t even exist. Why can’t they see you? What is this nightmare world?! If you could just get one person, anyone, to acknowledge you…just to glance into your eyes. But you can’t. They don’t. Wake up with a racing heart.