The Perfect Crime: Real Life Weekend At Bernie’s

Gabe Delahaye | September 16, 2011 - 9:30 am

If there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s the fact that as funny as it is to carry around a dead human body and pretend that it’s alive and to make it dance and waterski, even more than that it just sounds like a FUN thing to do. Friday niiiiight!!!! From the Denver Post:

Jeffrey Jarrett bought his roommate and a friend a round of drinks, Mexican food and a trip to strip club Shotgun Willie’s the night of August 27, authorities say.

But while Jarrett was present for some of the night’s fun, he wasn’t alive to enjoy any of it.

After a shorter, but boozier and less amusing real-life version of the film Weekend at Bernie’s, Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation. Court papers say they loaded Jarrett’s body into a car and drove him to various stops around Denver for a night — including a bar and a restaurant — while they used his ATM card.

The two men are out on bail and aren’t being charged with their friend’s death (the cause of which hasn’t yet been determined), but also here’s another question: WHAT? Who, upon discovering their friend dead, thinks “What I need to do right now is go get some tacos and then hit a strip club,” much less “and also while I do that, I’m going to bring my dead friend’s body WITH ME!” I will tell you who thinks that, this dude:


This is Robert Jeffrey Young, the 42-year-old roommate of the deceased. (The other suspect in the case is 25, which raises its own set of questions. How did these two bros meet and become friends? Over their mutual interest in Mexican food, strippers, and NECROMANCY, I’m sure.) At least Mr. Young’s face is perfect.

“He was my best friend. And he died. What was I supposed to do? NOT throw his corpse in the back of a car and use his ATM card to buy dinner?”

“Read your constitution!”

“It’s INSANE to me that I’m under arrest while the architects of the worst global financial crisis in three generations are back on Wall Street and it’s business as usual.”

“Livin de life!”

“This is what Jeff would have wanted.”

Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with the Jarrett family during this difficult time. Although, some of our thoughts are still basically just, you know, WHAT?