What Is Wrong With Kevin Smith?

Kelly Conaboy | September 1, 2011 - 12:45 pm

I’m no Kevin Smith interview aficionado. In fact, I’ve never read an interview with Kevin Smith other than the one that I’ll be talking about right now. I don’t like his movies and as you all know we only get so much time on this Earth to read celebrity interviews, so we have to spend it wisely. But I’ve been informed that the interview I’m about to share is a pretty standard Kevin Smith interview, and I’d like to respond to that in this way: HOLY MOLY! Guys! Did you all know about this? Why are you all continuing to let Kevin Smith do interviews?? This is your fault! If you see something, say something! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DRILL BY NOW!

It begins with the interviewer explaining that Kevin Smith spend the first five minutes drilling him on different upcoming films. And then, from Moviefone:

I could quiz you all day, “What else is coming?” Compared to going to the fucking Internet, dude. You’re way less opinionated. You’re like, basically, “Here it is.” And then when I’m like, “Did you like it?” You’re like, “yeah.” Not fucking like, “If you don’t like this, you’re a fucking idiot who should burn like Hitler!” Or, “If you do like this, you’re an idiot who should burn like Hitler!”

Haha, WHAT? Somehow “you’re way less opinionated” is a compliment, I think? Compared to the fucking internet, which is FILLED with reviews that tell the reader they’re a fucking idiot who should burn like Hitler? Very in tune with both the Internet and this writer’s style of pre-interview “can we please get on with this” personal movie reviewing! “I’m like, ‘What did you have for breakfast,’ and you’re like, “cereal.’ And I’m like, ‘What’s your hometown like,’ and you’re like, ‘good.’ I could quiz you all day.'”

On the topic of the “Kevin Smith genre”:

I mean, come on. Who would not be proud of having their own fucking genre? At the end of the day, whether you love him or hate him, Tim Burton movies are recognizable. You take his name off of it, you’re like, “That’s a Tim Burton movie.” You take a name off of a “Kevin Smith Movie” and, generally speaking, it’s pretty recognizable – as long as you can hear the volume.

AS LONG AS YOU CAN HEAR THE VOLUME. To be honest, it’s hard for me to believe that Kevin Smith movies are THAT recognizable. Other than that they all have Kevin Smith in them. They’re all terrible? Yes? And the characters say stupid things? And I guess there are always volume issues, apparently? But lots of bad movies exist. If we start going around assuming that every bad comedy with volume issues is a Kevin Smith movie, Joe Swanberg is going to be VERY upset. (Very good Joe Swanberg burn.)

On the negative critical reaction to inviting critics at Sundance to an auction for his movie Red State and then revealing that he’d actually be distributing the movie himself:

… What do they care? They weren’t invested. They weren’t going to buy it nor were they going to sell it. So what do they care if they got tricked at an auction? … Don’t you think that’s kind of petty? That’s not a review of the movie, that’s a review of the man. … [It] tainted their reviews of the movie. That was one of the fun parts for me with Red State: Exposing hypocrisy.

This is probably the most frustrating. Pulling a stupid publicity stunt prank at a film festival and then acting like you refuse to understand how people were upset at they got publicity stunt pranked? What a waste of everyone’s time! People who are there to do their job! And also “EXPOSING HYPOCRISY”???? I don’t know how to respond to that because I do not know what you are talking about!

Ugh, Kevin Smith. I don’t like your movies but that doesn’t mean I have to not like you, necessarily! Why are you insistant on making so many people dislike you! What is wrong with you! Please stop doing interviews! I understand that it’s not your fault because apparently people have known about this for years and they’ve done nothing to stop you but I’m asking you now, please stop! (Via ONTD.)