An Open Letter To Vancouver

By Gabe Delahaye / June 16, 2011

Dear Vancouver,

Apparently something happened in your sports yesterday? Hard to tell. I’m not a big sports-head, but even down here in my nerd-hole, I’ve sensed the rumblings from above. Oh no! Something something sports! I am so sorry. All of our thoughts and prayers are with Canadian sports during this difficult time. But please, Vancouver, what is this all about?:

Relax! It is the middle of the day! You are all being a bunch of maniacs. Literally. You’re acting like HBO didn’t pick up Game of Thrones for a second season, when in reality, HBO picked up Game of Thrones after one episode! So put down the raw-edged pieces of metal you are hitting that over-turned car with! For the record, I have my suspicions, but I’m just going to assume you found the car turned over like that and in a brief fit of lunacy you decided to start hitting it with stuff and kicking it because you were so bothered by the sports, but the car itself you found like that and you did not actually do that to the car, let’s just say this, because the alternative is almost too nuts.

Is there someone who can come pick you up? I don’t think you should be alone right now. (I also don’t think you should be together right now.) Put a wet towel over your eyes. Feel the worries of the day slipping away. Shhhhhh. Now you are so relaxed. Hardly even thinking about the thing that happened, whatever it was, in the sports. I’m sorry, I know, I’m sorry I said the word “sports.” I recognize that even that can make you run screaming into a cloud of tear gas, reaching out with your scraped knuckle hands, hoping to grab onto something that you can kill and shred. Hush now. Hush, Vancouver. Remember your socialized medical system. Remember your belief in peace and civility. Remember your rivers and natural bounty. Shhhhh.

That’s better. I mean, who did you think you were? Me? You’re acting an awful lot like me.
Love,
America.