ATTENTION NEW YORK: YOUR SUBWAYS ARE COVERED IN URINE

By Gabe Delahaye / May 28, 2010

THIS IS A SERVICE WARNING FOR THE NEW YORK CITY AREA. IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT INTERNATIONAL LIPTON ICED TEA SPOKESMAN HUGH JACKMAN HAS BEEN RIDING ON THE METROPOLITAN TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY SUBWAY LINES IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. RIDERS SHOULD BEWARE THAT ANY AND ALL SEATS MAY NOW BE COVERED IN URINE. IT IS STILL UNCLEAR AT THIS TIME HOW MANY SEATS HUGH JACKMAN HAS USED, OR HOW MUCH TIME HE HAS SPENT INSIDE THE SUBWAY CARS, SO RIDERS SHOULD USE CAUTION AND THEIR BEST JUDGEMENT TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT AN AVAILABLE SEAT IS INDEED FILLED WITH A PUDDLE OF HUGH JACKMAN’S PEE. WHILE THE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE INCLUDED HERE SUGGESTS THAT HUGH JACKMAN WAS RIDING ON THE F LINE, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE HAS NOT USED OTHER LINES. WE REPEAT, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE HAS NOT USED OTHER LINES. RIDERS ON LINES SUCH AS THE 4/6 OR THE L TRAIN SHOULD NOTE THAT ALTHOUGH THESE LINES DO NOT FEATURE THE CONCAVE WELL-SEATS OF THE F LINE, THE LONG, UNDIVIDED BENCHES MAY STILL BE COVERED IN A DAMP SLICK OF HUGH JACKMAN’S URINE. HUGH JACKMAN MAY HAVE ALSO URINATED ON THE FLOORS, HANDRAILS, AND AUTOMATIC DOORS OF THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY TRAINS. RIDERS SHOULD ALSO TAKE CAUTION WHEN ENTERING AND EXITING NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY STATIONS, AS SAID STATIONS MAY NOW BE KNEE-DEEP IN URINE CAUSED BY THE ACTOR IN HUGH JACKMAN TAKING OVER. THIS AFFECTS ALL STAIRWAYS, TURNSTILES, BENCHES, RAILWAYS, AND SUPPORT POLES. ALL METROPOLITAN TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY EMPLOYEES ARE REQUIRED TO PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION. BOOTH OPERATORS MUST REMAIN BEHIND THEIR GLASS PARTITIONS, AND IT IS HIGHLY SUGGESTED THAT RAILWAY MAINTENANCE WORKERS WEAR REGULATION LENGTH (CHEST-HIGH) RUBBER WADERS. RESIDENTS OF NEW YORK CITY ARE ENCOURAGED WHENEVER POSSIBLE TO SEEK AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD OF TRANSPORTATION. END OF MESSAGE. (Image via JustJared.)