Goodbye To All Of That

Gabe Delahaye | June 5, 2009 - 4:12 pm

The Hills ended last Sunday with a one hour finale in which Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married, Lauren Conrad “quit” her “job,” and Kristen Cavallari showed up as if somehow we were supposed to believe that was a surprise when in fact we have all known for months that she was taking over for Lauren when Lauren quit because MTV refuses to let a sleeping dog fucking die, and who is Kristen Cavallari anyway? She looks like a jerk! Although the show will be coming back for another season this fall, because America baby gets what America baby wants, I will not be watching. I’m all for bad television that surprises me and makes me laugh, but I don’t want to be dragged along on a turgid death march through the Starbucks-cup-littered wastes of our nation’s slow decline into communal narcissistic affective disorder.

And so, too, have I discovered over the course of the past week that just as whatever the original pull that The Hills might have had on me as a viewer has completely given way to a knotted stomach self-loathing for the empty wasted hours watching meaningless silent gazes and half-finished sentences about brunch, so too has the feigned interest and false importance that I granted to the show’s stars dissipated into a frustrated agony that they’ve pushed through some kind of Malcolm Gladwellian “tipping point,” into a realm where their non-existent “celebrity” is nevertheless self-sustaining, a perpetual motion machine of thoughtless media attention for no larger purpose than to distract; a low-level Schadenfreude that doesn’t even provide the sour satisfaction that Schadenfreude should.

My point is who fucking cares about these assholes anymore?

All of this comes to a head today as two separate Hills related items gained traction in the blogopolis. First, Audrina Patridge has been hired as a spokesperson for Carl’s Jr., following in the footsteps of such other incredibly famous and important people as Paris Hilton and Padma Lakshmi. That barely even makes any sense! Audrina Patridge doesn’t eat human food anymore, she just has silicone gel refueling cells inserted into her breasts. And is that really how Americans buy food now? If they see it in the hand of a mentally vacuous SUPPORTING CHARACTER from a basic cable reality show for children?

Of course, earlier this week there were endless reports of Heidi and Spencer’s inglorious disappearance from I’m a Celebrity (No You’re Not) Get Me Out of Here, and the fact that it was (obviously) a publicity stunt, and that they’re going to be back, and seriously fucking blow my brains out.

Meanwhile, a few months ago, in some sort of celebrity magazine photo spread, Jonah Hill “impersonated” Spencer Pratt as a joke. And today, Spencer Pratt responds. SPOILER ALERT: Spencer Pratt is an unfunny asshole with his head shoved so far up his own ass that he’s a human Popple.

Really? Really, you goat-faced fucking embarrassment to your family? I would tell you to drop dead, but I’m sure you’d figure out a way to Google yourself from heaven, and the 10-15 resultant new blog posts would only make you that much happier. Success!

So, goodbye to all of these miserable garbage clowns. For real now. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not saying that I will never write about Heidi or Spencer or Audrina or Lauren again (although I will definitely never write about Lo again, because writing about Lo is like writing about paint dry), but mostly I won’t write about them again. I refuse to be part of the broken system that allows them to make more money than policemen or firefighters or school teachers while simultaneously TAKING AWAY from the general well-being of society.

I recognize that I was part of the problem. But I’m not anymore. Not that I’m part of the solution. I can’t be. The solution is in their hands, always has been.