After eight long weeks, the students have become the masters. If by students you mean nerds, and if by masters you mean nerds in disguise. After Greg The Liar’s shocking elimination last week, it’s down to Matt and Simeon. One of them will win 50,000 dollars, a vacation with Mystery, and the chance to call himself The Pick Up Artist. Woof. If the tired joke of “what’s second place? something better” hadn’t already been invented a thousand years ago, it would have been invented for the winner of this show, because money aside that is a rough prize package. And they really stress the demonstrative adjective “the” whenever they talk about the would-be winner of this competition, because everyone gets the door prize of being “a” pick up artist. Anyway:
Simeon is glad that Matt walks through the door instead of Greg, because he thinks that Matt is the person “worthy” of the final challenge. Haha. Right. “Worthy.” Whoops, for a second there I thought we were talking about a meritocratic title of distinction, like a laureate, or an honoree, rather than a fellow competitor on a mini-season reality TV show based on raw nerve humiliation and sexual lies. But no, totally, Matt is the only one “worthy.”
For the final elimination, Matt and Simeon will face TWO field challenges. The winner of the first challenge will “not only get mad props” from Mystery, but also get what he calls “a sweet advantage” going into the second and final challenge. You know, eight weeks in to the second season, and I watched the entire first season, too, but I still cannot get over Mystery’s outfits.
It’s like he’s organizing a Renaissance Festival. In prison.
The first challenge this week is to see who can kiss-close the fastest. Both Matt and Simeon enter the bar at the same time, and both Matt and Simeon use their favorite openers:
Simeon: Hey, can you guys tell me what movie is this from: “nobody puts baby in a corner”?
Matt: I’m really happy because my friends and I just completed a caper and we’re partying like it’s the end of Ocean’s 11.
It’s a race for the worst. Although, at least with Simeon’s opener there’s an actual response. With Matt, the only acceptable response is “what the fuck are you talking about?” Completed a caper. Complete THIS, you creep. Simeon tries to lure some girls back to the VIP section so that he can mouth rape them by saying “I’d love to introduce you to some of my friends up there.” Some of what friends? Who are these friends? Simeon does not have any friends that he’d like to introduce you to. The girls shy away, proving that they are humans. Then Matt hits some trouble when a dude comes up and peels his target away.
Careful, target. Your pants are broken. Matador The Wise, watching in the spy booth or whatever, is like “I think Matt’s just going to switch targets.” True! And the competition gets really uncomfortable when Matt and Simeon both “isolate their targets” to the VIP booth where they sit BACK TO BACK on the crushed velvet sofa.
They have to sit that close, you see, otherwise it would just be weird when they both start doing the exact same pick up routine.
See how that would be weird? If they were sitting further apart? For this to really work they probably should have been holding hands. They are gross. In the end, Simeon wins the challenge with an impressive 15:15 kiss-close, although Matt was close behind, kind of making out with his lady friend, basically, at 15:34. Nicely done, boys. You are truly becoming cologne-drenched pussy monsters.
For the final challenge, Mystery is throwing a big “house party” for his “friends,” filled with “perfect 10s” who don’t know that Matt and Simeon are Mystery’s “students.” Right. There are so many lies in that statement that it’s not even worth talking about. The challenge is to get a girl to go back to your bedroom? Um, is that really a challenge? Kissing a girl at a bar in 15 minutes seems way more challenging than saying “hey, do you want to go listen to the new Jack Johnson album? It’s totally chill.”
Anyway, Simeon’s “sweet advantage” is that he gets the master bedroom, which if you accept the premise that this is an actual house party filled with actual friends of Mystery who are actual perfect 10s who actually don’t know that Simeon and Matt are Mystery’s students and that getting one of them to go back to the bedroom is a challenge, then sure, having the master bedroom is a “sweet advantage.” Although in reality a bedroom is a bedroom, and it’s not like Matt’s room is a broom closet. It’s a normal, human being’s bedroom. In a tacky, soulless mcmansion on the outskirts of Phoneix. Filled with studio lights. And you have to sign a release before you go in. But sure. Master bedroom. Siiiick advantage. They both have 25 minutes to go to a tacky Phoenix area layaway store and “decorate” their rooms, which for Simeon involves the zebra printed comforter that was on the display model, and for Matt means a shitty globe.
Good work, Matt. “What’s with the globe? I stole it in a caper from Dirty Dancing but I have to go in three minutes, my cousin’s here from out of town. You’re ugly. Did you see the fight outside? Take off your clothes.” It works!
At the party, both of them have some hits and some misses in chatting up the ladies, but I think Matt really nailed it with his engaging, witty banter.
Perfect. Nothing like wowing a couple of Asian girls by your tales of loving to “cook their meat at that little table” in K-Town, and then following it up with “a funny story about Iraq.” Matt is a total MUA. Master Ugh Artist.
So, in the end, it’s Simeon for the win. Blah. He was always kind of a ringer. Maybe not as much of a ringer as Greg The Liar, but in the sepia-toned montage showing you how far Simeon has come, you are reminded that at the beginning of the series he just looked like a typical Silver Lake hipster.
The transformation into goofy-cowboy-hat-wearing Human Eyebrow Piercing is definitely complete, but in terms of transformations, Simeon is no Rian. Not that I wanted Rian to win. He probably would have cried. It’s too bad that this is the one reality show that doesn’t have a Reunion Episode, and yet it’s the Reunion Episode I would most like to see. Boo. I’m also disappointed that they did not repeat the bridge episode from the first season in which Mystery dressed up in a FAKE BEARD and GARBAGE CLOTHES and pretended to be a WANDERING BUM from the SCOTTISH HILLSIDE in order to better spy on the boys in the field. Oh well. Maybe in season three.