So I casually noticed a gossip item about Dave Coulier this morning, and without even reading it, it got me thinking about one of my favorite shows when I was a kid, Out of Control, which Coulier hosted. I wrote a whole post about what a great show it was and how it, along with You Can’t Do That On Television, introduced a whole generation of young people to complicated post-modern narrative structures and also irony. But then I went back to look at the gossip item that triggered the whole thing, and discovered something horrifying.
The item, in US Weekly today, is Dave Coulier reminiscing about when he realized that Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughtta Know” was about him. OK, that’s hilarious, BUT, Alanis Morissette was on You Can’t Do That On Television at the same time that Dave was hosting Out of Control. THEY MET ON THE NICKELODEON LOT, AND THEY BEGAN TO HAVE SEX. I need an adult.
Now, Alanis was on YCDTOT as a five-year-old in 1979, and then didn’t return to the show until 1986, while Coulier’s Out of Control aired in 1984. But that just seems like too much of a coincidence. They probably met at the Nickelodeon Christmas party or something. Wikipedia claims they met at a hockey game, I claim BULLSHIT. Jagged Little Pill came out in ’95, when she was 21, and they had, clearly, already broken up. I’m going to give Coulier the benefit of the doubt and say that he did not sleep with an underage Morissette, but he definitely slept with an almost underage Morissette. Coulier is 15 years older than Morisette. Look, whatever Dave Coulier wants to do in his bedroom is his own business, but this whole revelation is like walking in on your parents having sex. If your parents had been involved with seminal children’s shows.
Here’s a full episode of Coulier’s Out of Control.
I will never think of the Hurry Up Machine or the chattering-teeth-trophy the same way again. I now recognize them for what they are, tawdry tools of seduction.
And here is an episode of You Can’t Do That on Television from the same year. Alanis does not appear in this episode, but she was 10 years old at the time.
I will be in the corner, shaking and crying and not knowing why I’m so angry all the time.