Friday Fight: Are Vampires Stupid And Boring?
[Originally posted on August 15th, 2008.]
lindsay: So there’s a trailer for the HBO vampire show TrueBlood…
lindsay: Which serves as the ultimate and final proof that nothing involving vampires can ever be good.
gabe: you just insulted our teenage girl readership
gabe: (all our readership)
gabe: also bunicula was pretty good
lindsay: okay human vampires
lindsay: among us
gabe: you mean like quentin tarantino?
gabe: and spencer pratt?
gabe: nosferatu was pretty good
lindsay: hmm, they do have the same kind of annoying face.
lindsay: hey, I was obsessed with vampires
gabe: of course you were
lindsay: when I was young and stupid too
gabe: now look at you
lindsay: haha, shut up
gabe: what is it with teenage girls and vampires?
lindsay: I saw the 12:01 am showing of interview with the vampire
lindsay: on a school night
gabe: 12:01 am
lindsay: and got grounded for breaking curfew
gabe: that is the funniest
lindsay: that’s the first showing that they show of a movie
gabe: you sound like you were a pretty cool teenager
lindsay: that’s how much I wanted to see it
gabe: you didn’t answer my question about teenage girls and vampires
lindsay: it’s like tween girls and horses
lindsay: NOBODY KNOWS
lindsay: maybe it’s something about necks
lindsay: I think it’s something about necks
gabe: that’s not true
gabe: we know about horses
lindsay: we do?
lindsay: horses are stupid now too, by the way
lindsay: I didn’t see the 12:01 of Seabiscuit
gabe: you are turning your back on everything that you loved
gabe: horses are not stupid
gabe: that doesn’t even make any sense
gabe: what are you talking about?
gabe: you are seriously that kid
gabe: in the orange juice commercial
gabe: who’s like “this is junior high, no one drinks apple juice anymore. you gotta drink orange juice, man.”
gabe: horses are stupid
gabe: you are inane
gabe: i meant to say insane
gabe: but inane works
lindsay: That was a joke, Gabe
lindsay: Horses exist
gabe: well why did you like vampires?
lindsay: they can’t be stupid
lindsay: vampires are this totally contrived thing that isn’t even a real metaphor for anything
lindsay: it doesn’t work as a metaphor
lindsay: except for maybe Time Vampires at the office
gabe: oh my god
gabe: you don’t want to admit
gabe: what it is that you liked about vampies
gabe: you’re totally dodging the question
gabe: that’s four times i’ve asked
lindsay: I think I wanted Brad Pitt to suck on my neck or something?
lindsay: I don’t know
lindsay: I can’t ascribe real thoughts to that person who saw that movie
gabe: but it wasn’t just that movie
lindsay: (though talking about it, I want to see it again now)
gabe: you were into them in general
gabe: and saw that movie
gabe: as part of your fascination
gabe: i think vampires are just like puberty
gabe: and it’s silly to be mad at puberty
lindsay: I don’t think an Alan Ball HBO show about puberty would be as ridiculous
lindsay: it’s like a show about unicorns
lindsay: a serious show
lindsay: except, shit
lindsay: that would be AWESOME.
gabe: you hate vampires but you lvoe unicorns?
gabe: are you four deeds shy of getting your hipster badge or something?
lindsay: I think what I hate about vampires is the fact that all you have to do is just make your thing about vampires and all these people will see it.
gabe: why do you hate that, though?
gabe: people like vampires
lindsay: I think what I hate about vampires is that vampires arent’ just horses with horns
lindsay: they have all these rules about them
gabe: that’s like saying “i hate these zombie movies, you just put zombies in gabe: them and people will see it”. right, because it’s a zombie movie
lindsay: they’re so specific
lindsay: no, that’s not the problem
lindsay: no, zombies are inherently funny.
gabe: you can’t tell me
gabe: that you just like things to be simple
lindsay: anything threatening that moves that slow is funny.
gabe: apprently you didn’t get the memo, zombie are fast now
gabe: and not funny
lindsay: Shaun of the Dead was funny
gabe: shaun of the dead was a comedy
lindsay: but yeah, I knew you were going to bring up that they’re fast now
lindsay: I know
gabe: “shaun of the dead was funy.”
gabe: “so zombies are funny.”
gabe: i also don’t understand why you think
gabe: don’t work as a metaphor
gabe: true blood looks stupid, i agree
gabe: but it’s got
gabe: perfectly well thought out metaphor written all over it
lindsay: there are no people living among us who have to kill other people to live and who are sympathetic characters who deserve acceptance.
gabe: no, but there are people among us who are rejected by society
gabe: who deserve acceptance
lindsay: yeah, that’s my point
lindsay: the metaphor doesn’t work
lindsay: they don’t just look different
lindsay: they’re cannibals
gabe: well two things
gabe: 1. the vampire metaphor is not usually about vampires deserving equal rights
gabe: that’s specific to true blood
gabe: and i think that from what i’ve seen
gabe: the metaphor is basically saying “here’s this thing that peopel are afraid of, but it has absolutely no effect on your life, so you should not be biased towards these people.”
gabe: which is a metaphor for homosexuality
gabe: and how
gabe: the japanese have perfected a drink
gabe: called True Cum
gabe: that the gays can drink
lindsay: DUH TIMES A MILLION PLUS ONE
gabe: well, then why desn’t that metaphor work?
lindsay: because clearly the vampires in that show are actually dangerous
lindsay: or there wouldn’t be a show
lindsay: you can’t take away the vampire’s danger. then they don’t matter.
gabe: but the whole thing about metaphors
gabe: is that they are metaphors
gabe: it doesn’t track one hundred percent
lindsay: so it doesn’t not affect their lives and isn’t a good metaphor for homosexuals
gabe: but if you think there aren’t tons of people in this country
gabe: who don’t think that homosxexuality is a real danger
lindsay: they are DEFANGED
gabe: you are wrong
gabe: but that takes us to point 2, which is that this is a specific interpretation of the vampire metaphor
lindsay: yes, and they all live in the south, as evidenced by that trailer
gabe: but that metaphors are just that
gabe: they are open to interepretaiton
lindsay: what bothers me about vampires is that it’s the same story over and over
gabe: more than most things
gabe: no, that’s fair, most stories are totally original
gabe: a wise man once said “almost none of the stories have already been written.”
lindsay: like, one of the main cliches of vampires is the “debunking” part where the vampire tells regular people that vampires aren’t really afraid of garlic, etc etc.
gabe: well, that’s just a dislike of cliches
gabe: which are in everything
lindsay: I guess my thing is like “why can’t you make up a new thing, why do you have to use vampires again?”
lindsay: it’s so tired
gabe: you’re so tired
lindsay: and everyone who does it claims that they’re shaking up a tired formula
gabe: so just so i have this straight
gabe: teh thing that you hate about vampires
lindsay: I’m just a really grumpy person
gabe: is that they’re put together in the exact same way as every other narrative on earth
lindsay: Who doesn’t want anyone to have any fun
gabe: you are too demanding of vampires, i think
lindsay: I hate vampires
lindsay: I’m so bored by vampires
lindsay: And simultaneously disgusted that people keep falling for vampire things.
gabe: being bored by vampires is reasonable
gabe: but keep your laws off other people’s undead bodies
gabe: GET IT?
gabe: why do you care
lindsay: yes I do
lindsay: it’s so nuanced
gabe: if other people like vampires?
lindsay: because that time slot on HBO could have gone to a good show
gabe: why does not liking vampires (ANY MORE) make you smarter than the people who do?
lindsay: I am angry that the time slot is used by vampires
gabe: why, because you wanted more episodes of Tell Me YOu Love Me?
lindsay: I just want the people of america to wake up and realize vampires are stupid.
gabe: so what you’re saying is that you are smarter and have more refined taste than anyone who likes vampire stuff
gabe: you are such a snob!
lindsay: I’m just saying hey hollywood, I see through you, I see that you’re banking on teenage fascination with vampires, and I want you to know that a bunch of us are talking about you behind your back because we know what you’re up to.
lindsay: Hey Alan Ball, get a real idea
lindsay: it just seems like the fallback idea
gabe: that presupposes that alan ball
lindsay: “Oh well, I guess I’ll just pitch a vampire show”
gabe: had good ideas before
gabe: alan ball is very overrated
lindsay: Six Feet Under was a pretty good show
gabe: the idea that somehow
gabe: hollywood is more calculating
gabe: when it comes to vampries
gabe: don’t be silly, lindsay
lindsay: I’m just old
gabe: hollywood is calculating and greedy in everything that it does
gabe: i think that you hate vampires
lindsay: And I’m noticing the Cycles of Entertainment
lindsay: And they bore and infuriate me
lindsay: In my day we had Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise vampiring all over each other.
gabe: because the love of vampires reminds you of your lost youth
gabe: i think that’s what this is really about
gabe: and you’re hanging on to this cynical, world-weary attitude
of cold insight into hollywood’s manipulative use of vampires to make money
gabe: as a way to tell yourself that being an adult is better than being a teenager
gabe: that somehow
gabe: your wisdom
gabe: in your old, OLD age
gabe: is worth it.
lindsay: No, I really am really bored by vampires
[Originally posted on August 15th, 2008.]