Videogum

Sleepy Hollow S01E03: Enter Faceless Nightmare Monster

[Cue musical accompaniment.] Say your prayers, gorgeous one. Don’t forget, my love, to dash to the Sleepy Hollow Police Department as soon as your caaaallled. Orlando Jones brings you in, keeps you free from sin, until The Faceless Nightmare Monster coooommmess. Buttttt whyyyyy is Ichabod in-terr-o-gating your sister?! That’s pretty creepy, riiight? OH WAIT HIS FUCKING EYES. ARE. WHITE. MOST. DEF. A HORRIFYING NIGHTMARE ALL RIGHT. And check outtttt Faceless Nightmare Monster’s Gross Haaaaands! We’re back in Sleepy Hollow again! [Cue guitar solo, wahhh wahhh, etc.]

So, to recap less obnoxiously, Abbie is walking gorgeously through the Sleepy Hollow Police Department, her stunning features indicating that something’s afoot. Captain Orlando Jones moseys up to her and initiates a walk-and-talk. “Ichabod is already interrogating the suspect,” Orlando Jones explains, as he walks, and talks, “oh, and this is a forensic psychologist who will probably die soon.” Up strolls the forensic psychologist who will probably die soon. She and Abbie shake hands, and all three of them enter the little room attached to the interrogation room, whatever it’s called — the cop-side of the two-way mirror? You know it. The observation room, if you will.

Abs and OJ and Doomed Forensic Psychologist are in the observation room watching Ichabod interrogate someone who is revealed to be — you’ll never guess — or probably you will if you watched last week — Abbie’s sister! The sporty one! (Also the crazy one!) You watched/remember. This really upsets Abbie, who carries with her everywhere an infinite supply of sororal guilt, so she rushes in to stop Ichabod. Then the whole scene gets v spooky. Abbie’s sister disappears. White Hot Topic contacts suddenly appear on Ichabod’s eyes. All the doors slam. And then The Faceless Nightmare Monster sneaks up behind Abbie, and reaches his gross hands out toward her voluminous hair!

CUT TO: Abbie’s enormous pink Android ringing on her nightstand. See, it was all a dream! And what a relief it is! Now that everything in that dream can be disregarded and forgotten about since it obviously has no future bearing on the rest of the episode, we can enjoy our time, uninterrupted, with our enjoyable pals and their enjoyable banter, free of interruption from Faceless Nightmare Monsters. Right?

Not right. In the next scene, Forensic Psychologist Who Will Probably Die Soon throws herself off of a building and transmogrifies (learned this word this week) into Forensic Psychologist Who Did Die. Before she dies, she explains how she worked with Abbie’s sister, believed her story about the Molester Tree Demon, and never told anyone for fear of ridicule. Then she stares at Abbie with her terrifying Hot Topic white contacts and jumps. After she’s dead, Captain Orlando Jones asks to inspect the body and when he does the woman’s eyes turn to sand. #VERYNORMAL. #RIP.

Ichabod, in his infinite handsome, deduces that Abbie’s sister can lead them to the demon installing white contacts and sand where people’s eyes used to be. They head over to Arkham and Abbie’s sister, Jenny, is like, “I will not see Abbie, she betrayed me re: Molester Tree Demon. Why don’t you send in the male model in the flowing linens who speaks in delightful limericks instead?” Excellent call, Jenny. Icabod and Jenny powwow and he tells her how The Four Horseman are en apocalyptic route. She asks if she can call him “Icks” (!) and tells him that she doesn’t give an eff, because Abbie is a B. Yeah right, Jenny. Our Abbie, a B? From here we cut to Pinkman’s Wood Working dream where some bro named Gillespie is about to get killed by Faceless Nightmare Monster. To the scene, pals!

Just like with Forensic Psychologist Who Did Die, Mr. Gillespie only wants to speak to Abbie. (Sidebar: ME TOO. Is this how things work? I put in some white contacts and ask for Abbie and Abbie magically appears? Please?) Orlando Jones and Ichabod send Abbie in, all by her lonesome in the tightest pants I’ve ever seen, to confront the possessed man with the gun. I mean, how can you move, much less evade the forces of evil, in pants that are that tight? THAT’S what I call MAGIC. Shifting finally from the topic of Abbie’s pants, Mr. Gillespie tells her that The Sandman is coming for her next and blows his brains out. Sleep well, Mr. Gillespie. We barely knew you. You’re building metaphorical mini-coffins in Jesse Pinkman’s dream within a dream now. Abbie tells Ichabod about The Sandman reference and Ichabod is like, “I daresay I recall a past peace pipe debauch that may be of some relevance to the proceedings.” Which is Ickspeak for “I got stoned out of my mind one time with some Native Americans and they were talking about The Sandman so they’ll know how to stop The Sandman. Let’s go find some Native Americans!”

One problem: The United States basically murdered all the Native Americans. (But it’s chill, the three who are left own casinos and Nicholas Cage made Windtalkers, so it’s even.) The only Native American left in Sleepy Hollow is the used “motorized carriage” salesman who is a jerk, until you ask him to stop being a jerk and he instantly ushers you down to his Sandman battling chamber. He explains that Abbie has to reverse-incept the world of The Sandman’s dream and confront her guilt about not backing up her sister about Molester Tree Demon. First though, she has to drink blue Gatorade, which will make her sleepy. After, she must get stung by a scorpion, which will make her impervious to sand or something. Abbie sips her blue Gatorade and is all ready to face The Sandman alone all on her lonesome, when our heroic handsome hero Ichabod snatches up the Gatorade carafe and chugs it. Aw! Abbie & Icks take their shirts off (I was too verklempt to screen grab), are bound to massage tables, and have their flawless stomachs STUNG BY SCORPIONS. (WBOAT, anyone?) They enter the dream world and Abbie is ready to cap a Sandman.

Or at least she thinks she is…until…The Sandman…gets the drop on her and turns her eyes to white contacts eyes! He also gets the drop on Ichabod and turns his eyes into white contacts. Please see dramatization:

Still looks pretty good. Sandman lures Abbie into a spooky flashback to when she turned her back on Jenny, forcing her to watch from “The Observation Room.” As Abbie refuses to confront her guilt, Sandman slinks up to the two-way mirror and initiates some absolutely fucking awesome special effects where his touch turns the glass to sand. Just as he’s about to reach her though…guess what happens…you’ll never guess…though you’ll probably guess…Ichabod interferes! Except Ichabod can’t fight for shit (he’s never even seen WWE) so Sandman chops off both his arms, initiating further fucking awesome special effects where Ichabod bleeds sand everywhere. Seeing Ichabod in peril, Abbie is finally able to admit her guilt and “confront her demons” (ha, ha). This turns The Sandman into the Glassman, and Abbie, who has seen WWE, WWE smacks him with a chair, shattering him to pieces. It’s also pretty awesome, if I must say. Pretty raw, like maybe not Orion instrumental raw, but pretty raw.

Ichabod wakes up shirtless and says, “No more scorpions!” Fine with me! Fewer shirts, fewer scorpions, fine with me!

OH YEAH AND BY THE WAY, our heroes have an HQ now. It’s the archive at Sleepy Hollow PD, but from now on it will be known as The Handsome Cave. Now back safely in The Handsome Cave, Icks and Abs talk about how delicious Red Bull is (Sidebar: how disappointed were you when Ichabod didn’t drink his Red Bull? Infinite dramatic possibilities squandered.) and decide that Abbie should patch things up with her sis. They share a moment, dawww, and Abbie goes to do that.

Or at least Abbie thinks she’s going to do that…until…she discovers that her sister has escaped from Arkham! Ohhhhh noooooo. Won’t next week’s demon get her? Or if not him/her/it, Molester Tree Demon? Should Ichabod drink a Red Bull to prepare for battle? Could The Handsome Cave use some lights?! Will The Headless Horseman return from buying his cronut?!? All these questions and more will be answered, scarily and perfectly, on next week’s Sleepy Hollow.

[Carmen Petaccio is a writer from New York City. He blogs regularly at bpofd.com.]