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I’m Sorry, Miss South Carolina, But We’ve Found Someone New

Oh, Miss South Carolina. How long has it been? Almost five years? Whew! It seems like it was just yesterday when you burst into our life, a bright ray of clumsy Internet beauty. You had us at, “Our education, such as South Africa, and The Iraq, everywhere, like, such as.” I don’t what you to think that what we had together wasn’t special, and I don’t want you to think that just because we’ve found someone new — which I’ll get to in a second — doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t real. As Robyn said, “Tell her not to get upset, second guessing everything you’ve said and done.” That’s what I’m doing now. Don’t get upset! And as Robyn also said, “But you just met somebody new.” And that is what I did. Her name is Miss Utah USA. Is she better than you? Well, it depends on what you mean. Is her answer “better” than yours? No, honey. No Miss USA answer has ever been better than yours and Miss Utah is no exception. Is she newer and therefor more exciting, and is her answer still very good? Yes! Does she say “we need to try to create education better,” a wonderful quote that has very little to do with the question she was asked? YES! Do we love her and are we — us and you — at least “on a break” for now, like Ross and Rachel were on Friends? YES!!!!!

WE LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN’T WIN! (Via Deadspin.)