What We Talk About When We Talk About Downton Abbey

DOWNTON ABBEY! DINNER JACKETS! MR. BATES! COUSIN MATTHEW! THE IN-LAWS! IRELAND! LAURA LINNEY! AHHHHHHHHH! Remember when season 2 of Downton Abbey came out and some people complained that it had gotten too soap opera-ish and didn’t have the same high-drama gravity of the first season? Those people should have seen season 3! LOL! Boy oh boy, this show is still great and I sure am glad it is back but also whoa and slow down and take it easy Downton Abbey. A wedding, a murder, a complete financial collapse, breast cancer, AND a broken stove?! IT’S TOO MUCH! Anyway, all of our old friends are back. Well, kind of. Mr. Bates is in Les Miserables. Did he murder his wife or was it suicide? It’s hard to know because one night he gets mad and is like don’t threaten me because I’m a red herring. Meanwhile, Thomas and Miss O’Brien are on the outs and you know what that means: PRANK WAR! Matthew and Mary almost don’t get married because on the night before their wedding, literally a few hours before their wedding, they get into a very boring fight and they both realize that maybe their marriage will be boring. Luckily for them, Tom Branson, the former chauffeur turned perpetual sass-bucket, is able to become an entirely different character than he has ever been or even suggested he could be in any other scene and gives Cousin Matthew some ideas that he picked up in a romantic comedy or something. Yay! The wedding is saved! But not Downton Abbey. Not after Lord Grantham invested all of his money in Short Line. Uh oh! Meanwhile, Shirley McClaine is perfect as Cora’s mother because if there is one thing that Americans love to do it is mention America in ever single sentence. Suddenly, watching Downton Abbey is like looking in a mirror! Breakfast for dinner! Let’s see, what else: apparently they invented breast cancer already, although I would have thought breast cancer got invented in, like, the ’70s. Also Lady Edith is dating a 90-year-old man who is riddled with disease. His face is sloughing off in handfuls, not that he would know, one of his arms is just a bag of loose fluid wrapped in a sling. Gross, Lady Edith. Did I miss anything? Laura Linney is so pretentious and ridiculous and she needs to cut it out. Anything else?