The Perfect Crime: Couple Kidnaps Handyman, Forces Him To Do Repairs

I hate crimes. I’ll say that to anyone. Crimes are terrible. As a matter of fact, I just witnessed a crime not 10 minutes ago, no joke. I was walking my dog around the block to see if she could remember where she had left her bathroom, and we witnessed a terrible hit and run accident! A woman in a truck rear-ended a woman in an SUV really really hard, and then, with her truck all smashed up and smoke pouring out of it, she cut through a parking lot and took off. Terrible! What an asshole! I hope that she goes to jail, and I mean jail jail, not like when I say “I hope Jay Leno goes to jail.” I don’t even like funny crimes, not really, because you know that the reality of the situation is much worse than the silly description. When a man is lured to a location and beaten and held against his will, that’s not cool, man. No way, Jose. But, you know, when you also point out that he was a handy man, and that the kidnappers made him do repairs around their house, and that the cops finally apprehended them at a gas station “shopping for snacks,” like that’s kind of funny. They’re basically Sean Connery in Entrapment. They don’t even have locks on their castle doors. They are all of Ocean’s 11 at the same time.

See? It totally isn’t funny, but it’s a little bit funny. But not really. Stay safe out there, handymen. (Via Gawker.)