PROTECT YOURSELF! (Featuring Teddy Ruxpin And Corey Feldman)

This week, on a very special episode of Between 2,000,000 Ferns:

That’s it? The #1 danger facing children in America is their desire to run away, and the best thing we can do about it is have a celebrity read cue cards for 10 seconds in the back of a florists. Yay! The kids are saved! Also what a cool conversation that must have been between Corey Feldman and his very real-seeming “friend”! Oh to have been a Ric Ocasek fly on the 1980s wall for that one:

Friend: I want to run away.
Corey Feldman: You are really just jumping right into it, huh? OK, well I am ready with my advice that might sound a little bit dry and staged: Uh, it’s dangerous for a kid to be out on his own. He could have nowhere to sleep, or end up in a scary place. Talk to someone you trust for help.
Friend: That’s what I thought I was doing when I brought it up with you, man.
Corey Feldman: Oh God, no, you can’t trust me. I’m an absolute mess.
Friend: Your eyes do look a little glassy, now that you mention it.
Corey Feldman: No joke I am tripping balls right now.
Friend: Also what is going on with your jacket? And your public friendship with Michael Jackson, a grown man? Hmmm. Well, I still want to run away, but I do feel a little bit better knowing that even if I did run away, my life of scrounging through Burger King dumpsters for stale buns and getting raped in abandoned basements will still be better than what is inevitably in store for you when the cruel and impetuous celebrity machine has finished chewing you up and spits you out into your own filth.
Corey Feldman: Sorry, what? I nodded off for a second.

The point is: PROTECT YOURSELF! The best defense is a good not running awayfense!