Well?! Did George Clooney Dump His Girlfriend Or Not?!?!?!?

Earlier this week, it was “reported” (because we all know and agree on what that word means, and that this falls under the definition of that word) that George Clooney had dumped his girlfriend, Stacy Keibler. Good to know. It’s important to stay informed about the world around you. JUST THE FACTS, MA’AM! (Dragnet reference, 2012.) But now here are photos of the two of them at the Argo premiere last night. AHHHHHH! Wait!!!!! Did they break up or didn’t they?! I’m going crazy over here trying to figure out if they broke up or not. I mean, on the one hand, the New York Daily News “reported” (yes, agreed) that they had broken up, but if they were broken up would they really be going to movie premieres together? Maybe they would! Oh God, maybe they would! How should I know what passes between two people? The important thing, though, is for America to know WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE OFFICIALLY BROKEN UP OR OFFICIALLY STILL TOGETHER. Life is hard enough as it is, we have to wonder about this, too? This is America! Shame on George Clooney for not issuing a press release to US Weekly like Chris Brown did yesterday when he broke up with Karrueche Tran so that he could keep being “friends” with Rihanna. Now there is a class act who knows that it is everyone’s business if and when he breaks up with someone, and he takes the necessary steps to keep the public INFORMED. If George Clooney cared half as much about you and me as he does about the lost boys of Sudan or what’s happening in Syria’s civil war or whatever then he would TELL US ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Ugh. What an asshole!

Either way, you guys, I love celebrity gossip and I think that it is good for us and also important. Let’s keep participating in it and relishing and devouring it. Just like Halle Berry said in Monsters Ball when she fucked that magazine: MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOD!