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Don’t Go Into The Forest

If you’ve taken an English class, you’re probably aware that in folklore and medieval and renaissance writing, travelling into the forest is a theme often used to present a challenge for the hero to overcome in order to properly become the hero, or it’s a place where the hero can find weird stuff and fall in love with a fairy, or it’s, like, where Young Goodman Brown goes to challenge and eventually lose faith in his wife, religion, and community after stumbling upon a witch ceremony, spoiler alert, to later die a hopeless, lonely death. Sounds pretty good, right? “I should probably get around to going to a forest pretty soon,” you’re probably thinking. “Sounds neat!” Well, so sorry to yell at you so early in the morning, but NO, YOU ARE WRONG! DO NOT GO INTO THE FOREST! THERE ARE SCARY ROBOT DOGS IN THERE ALLOWED TO OPERATE UNDER THEIR HUMAN CREATORS’ ASSUMPTIONS THAT THEY WILL REMAIN UNDER OUR CONTROL! STAY AWAY, STAY AWAY, ALERT, ALERT, ALERT!

From NBCNews:

The U.S. military-funded robot dog program now has two electronic canines in training to haul gear for soldiers over rugged terrain. Each member of the pack is also 10 times quieter than its predecessor robot, which should make it easier to hold a conversation or sneak up on an enemy.

The Legged Squad Support System (LS3), as the Boston Dynamics’ AlphaDog robots are known, are being developed for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) as a sort of an intelligent pack mule that won’t freak out when shots are fired or a mutt walks by on the other side of the hiking trail.

Right. You guys go in there with these robot beasts and expect them to carry your stuff for you while you chat and sneak up on enemies. I’ll be in my apartment looking for the dumbest video I can find and reading about whatever Kim Kardashian said today, WHERE IT’S SAFE. (Thanks for the tip, mom and dad.)