Videogum

This Week In Movie Trailers, You Guys

First of all, my apologies in advance for the fact that there are TWO Nic Cage trailers this week. That’s two many! It’s not my fault. I didn’t create the universe or even any of these trailers. I’m apologizing the way you apologize when someone breaks up with their girlfriend or something. “Sorry, man.” It’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything and there’s nothing you could do, but you know, just as a courtesy to express your sympathy for the human condition. Second of all, let’s get to it because there’s a bunch of trailers this week and a couple of them make me really mad!

Butter

I’m not a big fan of any movie, comedy or thriller or otherwise, where they clearly picked some weird hobby for the central theme of the movie. Like that Wesley Snipes movie about bank robbers who love base jumping? Come on. So it’s like, butter carving? Blah. But the cast is obviously very good, and Rob Corddry seems to be both funny and sensitive, and parts of the trailer are compelling enough, so I’m willing to give this one a chance. Congrats, Butter.

Passion

I feel like if Brian DePalma invites you over to his house for a dinner party, everything is super dark and shadowy and all of the place settings are some chromatic checkerboard shit and everyone wears severe suits, especially the women, and they just take turns yelling “Oh shut up, Brian DePalma.”

The Impossible

Well, there we have it. The worst movie of 2012. I like Ewan McGregor and I LOVE Rachel McAdams, but it is almost impossible to say how infuriating this trailer much less this movie make me. 230,000 people died in the tsunami in 2004, but oh OF COURSE we need a movie about one brave WHITE FAMILY’S heroic tale of survival. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Obviously, that is some racist shit, but I also love that we are supposed to believe that somehow a wealthy white family on vacation who gets separated in the devastating natural disaster will not be reuinted unless someone hand-searches every rescue tent. As if they wouldn’t just find each other in the first class cabin on the way home. It’s one thing if someone died, but if they’re all alive, THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT. Not that there’s any dramatic tension whatsoever since this trailer clearly shows them finding each other so who cares fuck this movie in the face until it dies.

The Barrens

Haha. Just go home? “I’m seeing things that aren’t real. Let’s keep camping.” Go home! Guys, go home. Who wants to go home? Everyone? The kids didn’t even want to go camping in the first place. Let’s just go home. Ooooh it’s nice at home! I’m glad we’re home.

The Frozen Ground

What is this? I know it’s not a movie trailer because it’s disjointed and weird and stuttering and has no narrative focus or aesthetic appeal. So what is it? Please let me know in the comments!

Stolen

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you want money, there is no money. But I can tell you this, I have a very special wig. A wig that makes me a nightmare for movies like you. Get under the bed, you’re about to be Stolen. TWO NIC CAGE TRAILERS IN A ROW IS TWO MANY!

The Magic Life

There’s this idea, and I don’t know where it came from, probably Eat Pray Love, but it’s this bastardization of the American Dream that suggests that you should be able to do whatever you want in this world and make a living and be famous for it. That’s not true! The American Dream said that if you worked hard, you could have an even higher quality of life than your parents, but work is still work. It never said, if you love your favorite hobby enough anyone else will give a shit. Look, I hope that every aspiring magician in the world becomes rich and famous doing what he/she “loves,” but documentaries like this suggest that it’s somehow unfair if someone is struggling, or that they are brave for pursuing an impossible dream, and I’m not entirely sure I agree with that. The reason it’s hard to make a living as a magician is because NO ONE LIKES MAGICIANS. So, that’s just a fact everyone’s going to need to face. So, no, I don’t feel bad if someone wants to make a living at something that it’s virtually impossible to make a living at and has trouble making that living. Those are the rules! I love taking naps, but you don’t see me explaining how hard it is to make any real money taking naps because that’s not a thing. We all have to do things in this world that we don’t necessarily want to do because that is called LIFE. Someone who can afford to live in New York as a real estate developer and pursue his love of magic on the side is NOT a sad case. THERE ARE PEOPLE DYING OUT THERE. Enough. But this is annoying is my point.