Lie Back And Get Comfortable

I have to admit that I was a little nervous about taking on this whole “guest editor” thing, not because I’m not totally sweet at guest editing (cuz I am), but because recently I made a tough decision to downgrade my cable service. And- this being a site about movies and TV and all that- well, I’m sorry, but that’s just a hard thing to admit to all of you right now.

Wait, wait- hear me out.

“But, Dave, why would a famous millionaire like you ever have to downgrade anything? Clearly yours is a life of upgrades at every turn” you scream like a goddamn crazy person?

Well, of course you do, because it is a life of upgrades at every time for me, even in public restrooms (I swear it just don’t stop with me). But the fact is I started noticing something recently- every time I turned on my TV it was tuned into Manhattan Time Warner Cable’s Channel 35. If you use the same cable service, you know that that’s not just the sexiest channel on Time Warner Cable, but it’s also- I am mildly ashamed to say- the sex channel. Not porn really, mind you, but just, you know, skanky, skanky sex.

For the most part, Channel 35 (Note: I’m guessing there’s a more official name for it, but I have no idea what that might be) airs commercials for still-operating escort services and massage parlors as well as no-longer-working sex hotlines (I know this is true because I called all of them to see which ones are still working. After all, I am a journalist and I needed some goddamn answers. This I did for you). But Channel 35 is best known, of course, for The Robin Byrd Show, which- in case you haven’t watched it every night for a really long time like I have at various points in my sad New York life- is pretty much a talk show, only instead of having actors and stuff on as guests, they have porn stars and strippers on to talk about everything and nothing at all. Also, they take their clothes off, which is great. In short, it’s the best, best show. It airs every night but I don’t think a new episode has been taped in twenty years, which almost makes it better because everyone knows porn stars and strippers had much better hair back then. And- not to be gross- but I mean all the hair.

Getting back to my cable downgrade, however, I realized that I- like a lot of people in these modern times- had taken to watching most of my non-porn star and stripper-related television on the Internet instead. So basically my monthly cable bill all went to paying to have Robin Byrd and her open-minded/not-exactly-opposed-to-good-times-all-the-time friends keep me company while I washed the dishes, did a shitload of crunches, or slowly drifted off to sleep, where I’d inevitably dream we (meaning Robin and her clothes-hating pals) were all real life friends. Reluctantly, I called Time Warner Cable one day and told them to bring it down their barest of bare bone plans. Oh, sure, they tried to talk me out of it, but dammit I wouldn’t take no for an answser and they eventually gave in.

As I sit here typing this, I have about as many channels on my cable service as whatever you get when you stay in a really shitty hotel (and I would know). Basically, it comes down to all the major networks, C-Span, Telemundo, PBS, and then that one channel with the irritable old nun who is somehow on all the time. Oh, and I also get Channel 35. In short, life is crazy but sometimes everything all totally works out perfectly. It turns out that irritable old nun was right, the more I think about it.

Unfortunately, I can’t post videos of anything that would really show you what’s so darn great about that Robin Byrd Show, so you’ll just have to settle on this video I found on YouTube in which Robin gives instructions on how to use a dental dam (Yes, the show has a message sometimes too. After all, what good is all that frosting if you don’t ever get a little cake along with it. And so what if it’s really, really skanky cake? Cake, like pizza and explosives, is still always pretty good no matter what and you can ask anybody). Watch it now and see if you still have your job by the time this video finishes.

Just doing my part,
Dave Hill

If this posting didn’t satisfy whatever urge you might have for sleaze, please read my friend Giancarlo Ditrapano’s disturbing review of the few remaining Times Square(ish) porn video booths here. Also, remind me to never shake that guy’s hand again.