You Get The True Death, True Blood

It’s not as if we hadn’t seen this coming for awhile. I think I knew for sure that it was time to say goodbye to True Blood last season when I wrote that I hoped I was dead before the show returned. And yet, here I am. Sad story. I knew going into last night’s season 5 premiere that I would not be recapping the show because guess what: LIFE IS LITERALLY TOO SHORT. When I get to them bright pearly gates and Saint Peter is like “Surprise, Jew! Now let’s look back on how you spent your brief time on Earth,” and everything goes by in a flash except the flash sort of slows down at one point because those are the YEARS I spent slogging through recaps of True Blood, I at least want to be able to turn to Albert Einstein and Audrey Hepburn at the fabulous dinner party that first night and say, “at least I eventually learned my lesson,” and then everyone will high five and we’ll cheers to me with crystal goblets of cloud wine. The point is: enough. But I did watch last night’s episode just to see how bad things were going to get, because sometimes you do want to stick your hand in the Dune Itchy Box and see how long you can last. NO SPOILERS but the show didn’t get no better over the break. It stinks!

Probably the most ridiculous thing about True Blood besides everything about it is the idea that Jason Stackhouse would know all the lyrics to “Cherry Bomb” by heart trying to imagine explaining last night’s episode to someone who had never seen the show before. We jump in right where we last left off, and it’s a fucking nightmare. “OK, so, you see, the two vampires just killed the Vampire Prime Minister, I think, something like that, and now they have to kill someone with a silver UMBRELLA and fuck their own siblings in a The Wire Season 2 Frank Sabotka storage container and get new VAMPIRE PASSPORTS before the Vampire government stabs them with wooden stakes for vampire treason. Meanwhile, the naked dog/bird shapeshifter who owns a bar and grill with a pool table is being hunted by the werewolves for killing another werewolf because he wants to date a woman with a child that he met in a support group and it turns out werewolves are cannibals at funerals that is a thing and Lafayette has the dark Mexican magic but he is sad because he stabbed his own boyfriend while wearing his boyfriend’s own silk robe but now the body is gone probably to be turned into an Egyptian mummy and there used to be maenads whatever those are and Sookie is a fairy but we’re not talking about that right now for some reason and where are the Panther People now that you mention it but the most important thing is that this all comes back to THE WAR IN IRAQ.” Oh neat. Let’s keep watching this sounds great!

Obviously, you could make this point about lots of shows that have complicated plots and are five seasons deep. It’s never going to be easy to just pick something up 100 hours in. But here’s the thing: most of those shows don’t make me want to JUMP OFF A ROOF. That’s the big difference, you see? So goodbye to this show. I will never watch another minute of it. It’s terrible. I know that millions of people love it and masturbate to it and that’s fine, I’m happy for them, Vampire Jessica is kind of hot except for the whole I’M AN ADULT AND SHE’S IN A VAMPIRE COSTUME thing, but you know, you do you, everybody. Enjoy it. I’ll be lying in this freshly dug grave waiting for you to toss cold dirt in my stupid fucking face. It’s still better than watching this garbage.