Unpacking The Mysteries Of The Olivia Munn Photo SEXTs

Yesterday, some photos were leaked onto the Internet that Olivia Munn (Perfect Couples) supposedly sent to Chris Pine (Unstoppable) while they were dating. These photos were hacked (read: stolen) from her phone, and they’re NSFW, so we are not going to post them. I’m not even going to include a link to them. If you want to see them, I’m sure you can find them. I have some issues with the whole business. Stop hacking people’s phones, guys! It’s not very nice! I’m not even comfortable when people’s old yearbook photos pop up on-line, much less something as invasive and rude as this. But there are some things about it that are real curious. For one, am I living in some kind of Fringe alternate universe? If you’re in movies or on TV (or congress), how about you just DON’T sext photos of yourself to anyone. That’s an option still, right? Or do you have to do that now. Is that part of it now? If you were to hack my phone this instant you’d find a lot of pictures of my dog and a few photos of some various sandwiches I’ve eaten at different times and that’s about it, and I don’t even have a serious reputation/career to maintain! I know you’re all raging narcissists, but to quote a late night informercial for anything, “THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!” But also these sexy photos that Olivia Munn sent are covered in bright yellow text with drop shadows and arrows pointing to her genitals. Just to explain what I am saying, which would be so easy if I would just include a link to what we are even talking about here but I’m not going to and you do have to draw your lines somewhere, but to really put this into your brain the way it needs to be there: Olivia Munn took a sexy photo and then she LOADED AN APP to type words on it. Can you even imagine? Imagine it for a second. I’ll wait. Picture it.

Right? Ahhhh! “Hmm, what are some words that I can use?” That is Olivia Munn staring at herself on her phone. “Hmmm, I need some words.” (Incidentally, one of the photos includes TWO arrows and it says “put your cum here and here,” which is gross and I’m already starting to blur that line I just drew two seconds ago, but I do need to share the phrase “put your cum here and here” because it makes me laugh so much. Hot stuff!) Then, of course, there’s the minor issue of how many of the photos are full body lingerie shots, or photos of her from behind. Which means someone else took them or she put a camera on a tripod and set it on a timer, which is more likely and reasonable but so then the process involved finding the right connector cable and plugging her camera into her computer and THEN loading the photos into the yellow-text-drop-shadow app and then figuring out which words to use (“put your cum here and here”) and then what? Did she get yet ANOTHER connector cable and plug her phone into her computer and load the revised photos onto her phone and then SEXT them, or did she EMAIL them to Chris Pine? Did she include a subject line or did she leave it blank and have to click “OK” on that pop up window that says “Are you sure you want to send this email without a subject”? But the photos were stolen from her phone, so at some point she did have to nevermind my head is falling off. What I’m saying is, like, even regardless of the ensuing scandal and embarrassment when your photos are stolen off your phone and published on Gawker, or whatever, could be any site, who knows where those photos even are, but so even besides the mess that comes with those photos leaking, IT JUST FEELS LIKE A LOT OF WORK. Chris Pine was probably going to kiss you anyways. It was a nice gesture but maybe read a book or something? It’s too much effort considering all the dangers. You’re just trying to be sexy, not pull off the Thomas Crowne Affair. Minimize your risk!

Then again, none of this is even any of our business, so forget it.