The Perfect Crime: Tweeting About Digging Up Marilyn Monroe’s Grave

I was talking to a friend yesterday* (that’s right, A FRIEND!) about the hot topic chestnut that the Internet is somehow making people dumber, or weirder, or less socially capable, or whichever of the developmental bogeyman that has captured the imagination on that particular day, and how I think all of this is bullshit. (The conversation started when my friend explained that she had been watching an old episode of Gilmore Girls, naturally, and wanted to find out what happened to the show’s creator, obviously, but when she went on the Internet all she found were My Life Is Twilight-style GG message boards, about which she commented “no one knows how to live anymore,” and to which I replied, “no one ever did.”) My basic point/feeling about these matters is that the world has always been filled with plenty of dumb dumbs and creepazoids, but we just have more EVIDENCE now. Because no one seems to be able to ever KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT. It’s not that the Internet has made anyone any weirder, but it’s given all the weirdos a much easier way to publicize what makes them weird in the first place, and for some reason, all of them are jumping on it. (Similarly, I got in an argument with my dad once, who was bemoaning smart phones and saying that 30 years ago you saw couples at dinner talking to each other, but now you just see them checking their email on their phones, to which I replied that 30 years ago there were still plenty of unhappy couples, and when they couldn’t check their email they probably just stared at the wall. Take your imaginary straw man happy couple whose lives have been ruined by phones and get OUT OF HERE.) What I’m saying is: the Internet doesn’t ruin people’s lives, people USING the Internet ruins peoples lives.

All of this is, naturally, leading up to the United States’s triumphant deportation of two stupid British kids who just wanted to party in the land of the free for making Family Guy references on Twitter. GOTCHA! Nice try, Osama Bin Laden’s ghost. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Leigh Van Bryan and Emily Bunting were intercepted by American Homeland Security officials upon their arrival last week, after Van Bryan tweeted that he was going to “destroy America” and dig up Marilyn Monroe’s grave.

The tweets in question, spotted by authorities weeks before Van Bryan and Bunting’s arrival, appear to have been made in jest. Read them here. Speaking with the U.K.’s The Sun, Bunting said: “We just wanted to have a good time on holiday. That was all Leigh meant in his tweets.”

The first post allegedly used the term “destroy” as British slang for partying, while the second quoted an episode of Family Guy. “3 weeks today, we’re totally in LA pissing people off on Hollywood Blvd and diggin’ Marilyn Monroe up!,” it read.

Van Bryan, 26, and Bunting, 24, were held and questioned for five hours before being placed in jail for another 12 hours. Ultimately, they were flown back to London via Paris. Since the incident, Van Bryan has made his Twitter account available to followers only. If he ever hopes to return to the U.S., Van Bryan will need to apply for a visa.

“It’s almost funny now,” said Van Bryan. “But at the time it was really scary.”

I love that these two dopes were questioned for five hours and STILL sent back to England. Like, I’m pretty sure in the first 30 seconds of the interrogation it would have been clear that no one was DESTROYING AMERICA. “You going to destroy America?” “Oy! Birds! Fish n’ wankers!” Although, I bet when the authorities got to the Marilyn Monroe tweet that there actually was an unshakable cloud of suspicion hanging over the two men because who would admit in a situation like that that you were making a fucking FAMILY GUY reference? The only thing lamer than making a Family Guy reference on Twitter is making a Family Guy reference on Twitter that gets you arrested at the airport and deported. REMEMBER THE TIME YOU WERE DEPORTED? In such situations, it’s best to just pretend that you really did intend to dig up Marilyn Monroe’s grave. Mum’s the word. “It’s almost funny now.” No, it’s not. You doofus.

Stay off the Internet, you guys. I’m not kidding.

*Admittedly, I was “talking” to this friend OVER CHAT, which is the basis for most of our friendship. So basically everything about this blog post is perfect and should hang in a museum at a university.