American Psycho Is FINALLY Getting The Remake It Deserves

Whether or not you enjoyed the 2000 Christian Bale adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel American Psycho, or if you thought it was just “OK,” or even if you’ve never seen it but understand the idea that it was released eleven years ago, one thing we can definitely all agree on as a family is that it is LONG OVERDUE for a remake. Let’s get those words back on the screen! What is everyone waiting for!? Oh, nothing? They ARE getting them back on the screen? Lionsgate is developing the remake and just hired Noble Jones, a screenwriter (I’m sure), to write the script? Perfect. From Deadline :

[Jones’] take was to tap the Bret Easton Ellis novel and turn it into a down and dirty new version that imagines how yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman would fare in New York today, factoring in how the world has changed since the 2000 film that starred Christian Bale.

Sure. We should probably just remake every movie that was released before 9/11 and set it in a post-9/11 world, just to see how the situations would play out differently. “You see, in the remake, Patrick Bateman has to take his shoes off at the airport and there’s an Occupy Wall Street joke.” To be fair, I guess this is more of a re-adaptation of the novel American Psycho rather than a remake of the movie American Psycho, but also to be fair, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Adapt a different book, there are LOTS. This one is taken and is a “modern classic” according to some! Maybe you can Confederacy of Dunces in a post-Katrina world? JUST DO SOMETHING ELSE! But, I guess if you’re super intent on doing this one again, at least please include these things:

  • Patrick Bateman killing the Jared Leto character (still played by Jared Leto) to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok.”
  • Patrick Bateman turning off the other version of American Psycho when he sees it on TV and then saying “Nothing’s on. I guess we’ll have to do something else” before he kills a prostitute or whatever.
  • Patrick Bateman looking out over the NYC skyline.
  • Patrick Bateman has a tumblr.
  • Carey Mulligan is the Chloë Sevigny character.
  • Patrick Bateman has a Twitter.
  • Patrick Bateman kills Snookie but she doesn’t die immediately so he has to kill her more.

AT LEAST INCLUDE THOSE. If you’re going to do this again for 100% no reason,  please do it right.