A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: The Left Behind Reboots

Gabe: so, i know that you read this, because you sent me the link
Gabe: but they are remaking the Left Behind books into movies
Gabe: again
Gabe: in hollywood this is called a “reboot”
Kelly: Yes, but it’s going to be more like an action movie now?
Kelly: Like a disaster movie
Gabe: hopefully
Gabe: we can only hope
Gabe: you know, we’ve never talked about this before so i don’t even know
Gabe: are you a fundamentalist christian?
Gabe: who believes in the rapture?
Kelly: I go back and forth about it.
Gabe: how about today?
Gabe: where are you at on this today?
Kelly: Today yeah, no, today I am kind of feeling like the rapture is going to happen
Kelly: But no one is going to be taken into heaven? We’re all going to be left behind. And it’s not going to be noticeable.
Kelly: It’s complicated.
Gabe: look, good luck with whatever the hell you are even talking about
Gabe: anyway
Gabe: the rapture is a weird thing to make a movie about
Gabe: sorry if i just blew your mind
Kelly: Yes it is
Kelly: Even as far as movies go
Gabe: it’s basically apocalypse porn
Gabe: there are other movies that are also apocalypse porn
Gabe: like roland emmerich movies
Gabe: but this brand of apocalypse porn is all about people being PUNISHED
Kelly: Yeah. Without any self-reflection on the part of the movie-maker.
Kelly: I assume
Gabe: hahaha
Gabe: kelly
Gabe: never assume
Gabe: it makes you an asshole
Gabe: or whatever
Gabe: is that the expression?
Gabe: it makes you and me assholes?
Kelly: Hahah yes
Kelly: I’m almost positive that that is the expression
Kelly: Just like I am almost positive that these movies aren’t about otherwise good people not getting sucked into Heaven
Kelly: And having to deal with THAT
Gabe: everyone is obviously entitled to their beliefs
Gabe: OBVS
Gabe: but it’s a whole other thing to turn those beliefs into a movie
Gabe: i mean, i almost wish the rapture would happen
Gabe: just so that the people who believe in the rapture
Gabe: would a) shut up about it
Gabe: and b) shut up about it
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: Gabe do you think you’d be raptured
Gabe: uh, no
Kelly: Oh come on
Gabe: no way, man
Gabe: not gonna happen
Kelly: I guess if we’re going about a god that is going to HAVE The Rapture maybe she wouldn’t pick you
Gabe: WHOA, kelly
Gabe: god is a MAN
Gabe: everyone knows that
Kelly: ahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahaha
Kelly: AHAAHHAHaAHhahahahahahah
Kelly: Don’t make me laugh.
Kelly: Like you just did.
Gabe: he is a man with a big old beard
Gabe: and big hands that scoop you up
Gabe: no homo
Kelly: First of all DEFINITELY homo
Gabe: no no
Gabe: god hates that stuff
Kelly: Seems like he likes it

Gabe: the thing that is weird about these movies
Gabe: is like, ok, you believe in the rapture
Gabe: most of that belief has to stem from your other belief
Gabe: which is that you’re on the right side of this thing
Gabe: because if you believe otherwise, then yikes
Gabe: so, if you believe that the rapture is real and that you’re on your way
Gabe: isn’t the whole idea that you managed to escape the nightmare
Gabe: that was going to be left over?
Gabe: so why do you want to see a movie about THAT?
Gabe: first of all, it’s mean, and it hurts my feelings, as someone who’s not going to be raptured
Gabe: second of all, it seems pretty unchristian to relish in the suffering of others
Kelly: Yeah. I guess maybe the assumed or suggested, at least, audience would have to be people that are right now going to be left on earth
Kelly: That are going to be saved when they go see this rapture movie
Kelly: Because maybe they thought it was a different action movie?
Kelly: Because yes otherwise
Kelly: It’s ONLY you watching people suffer while you float to heaven
Gabe: ok, so the idea is that you’re going to see this movie and be like “time to make some lists!”
Gabe: “really need to turn my life around”
Kelly: hahah yes
Kelly: Oh jeeze I didn’t realize it’d be like THAT
Gabe: right
Gabe: “that DOES look bad”
Gabe: of course, the movies are going to be kind of low budget
Gabe: so it won’t actually look THAT bad
Gabe: “Yikes. So much terrible green screen after the rapture!”
Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: “The lighting is terrible when all the Christians are taken away.”

Kelly: I would be interested to ask the people making the movie
Kelly: What their objective is
Kelly: Do you think that interview exists anywhere, that seems like a pretty obvious question
Gabe: you should call them
Gabe: they’re probably in the phone book
Gabe: look, brad pitt is not in the movie
Gabe: you can probably call every single person involved in this movie
Gabe: hit them up on GodChat
Kelly: You’re right. I’m sure I can at least track down their GodMails.
Kelly: I hope they’ll accept an EarthMail from me
Kelly: hahahahaaaaa
Gabe: it’s kind of a catch-22, because I think making a movie about the Rapture is one of the easiest ways to get kicked off the ol’ Rapture Guest List
Gabe: you’re either busted because you focussed on the suffering of others
Gabe: or because god hates SPOILERS
Kelly: Haha, that’s very true. I wonder if they know that? Maybe you should call them too.
Kelly: This movie is also weird
Kelly: Because it says it takes place a few hours after the rapture has happened
Kelly: So I don’t see
Kelly: Or at least I’m INTERESTED to see
Kelly: What the goal is for the people who are left behind?
Kelly: Like
Kelly: Do good deeds in case She does a second sweep?
Kelly: Or is it ONLY them getting their eyeballs eaten by snakes or whatever
Kelly: for two hours
Gabe: well, i’m assuming there’s more than one movie
Gabe: so, it’s not just snakes
Gabe: snakes is like, act 2 of the second movie
Kelly: I guess I jumped the gun, probably at least a flesh-eating disease comes before snakes.
Kelly: My freshman year roommate in college loved the Left Behind series.
Gabe: what year did you graduate from Brigham Young?
Gabe: i don’t remember
Kelly: Gabe PLEASE respect my religious background.
Kelly: At one point she got rid of all of her “secular” music
Kelly: because she said God was upset with her about it.
Kelly: I bet she thought I was going to be left behind
Gabe: “Spin Doctors, OUT.”

Gabe: well, wait, you ARE going to be left behind
Gabe: she was right
Kelly: You’re right but she doesn’t get to decide I’m going to be left behind
Gabe: look, if this thing goes down, i’m sorry to tell you, kelly
Gabe: it’s not a decision
Gabe: she just knew
Gabe: i mean, i didn’t read those books
Gabe: and i still listen to the Spin Doctors
Gabe: but even I know you’re getting left behind
Kelly: Whatever. We’ll see.
Gabe: also, you’re fired.