Let Me Help: Herman Cain’s Non-Sexual Gesture

I’m not sure if everyone reading this is as politically aware as I am, but: HOLY COW. (The end.) (End of post.) (Stop reading.) The latest bullet point in the very long list of 2012 presidential candidate gaffes is Herman Cain’s sexual harassment accusation and the handling thereof. Two women accused him of sexual harassment while he was head of the National Restaurant Association in the ’90s, and each of the women received some sort of settlement package. Cain first denied knowing about this, but now he isn’t denying knowing about it, but also he’s stil denying knowing anything specific about it. WHAT A MESS! Sexual harassment lawsuits are obviously a very tricky thing, even when the claims are baseless, and from what I know, which is basically nothing, but just from a common sense perspective it would make sense to settle them quietly because even if the claims are proven to be false in the end you’re still forever someone who was accused of sexual harassment. But then also, why are you being so F’ING confusing about it, Herman Cain? I know you are new to the political game, but these things are going to turn up. Especially when they’ve already turned up and someone is asking you if they’re true and you’re telling them that you don’t know? How do you not know? Just TELL US THE THINGS YOU KNOW! (Unless those things are that you sexually harassed two women.) (Then you should just stop wasting everyone’s time running for president.) (And also stop sexually harassing people.) One of the things he DOES remember, and one thing that he’s talking about on all the shows, namely On the Record with Greta Van Susteren last night, is what he did to make one of the women feel uncomfortable and possibly sexually harassed. And that is that he compared the height of this women to the height of his wife. He explains it to Greta (at about 6:20 in):

Ugggghh, HERMAN! First of all that just doesn’t make any sense, but more importantly it leaves WAY TOO MUCH to the imagination. I keep picturing you alone in your office with a woman comparing her height with the height of your wife (for whatever reason, in my mind it’s because you needed to buy a special box for your wife to stand in as if she were your own Barbie doll, not because you like to objectify your wife, but just because it’s like a fun thing you guys wanted to do, not like a sexual thing but just like a hanging out around the house and just being fun kind of a thing, like you were going to imagine that she was a Barbie that came to life, but you wanted the box to be basically her exact height so you called this woman in and you were like, “Hey you seem like you’re my wife’s height, I’m trying to get her this box, LONG STORY, but here let me see if you’re her height…” So he did the measuring thing and she got weirded out and he wasn’t even able to ask her her height in the end so it was all ruined anyway) and trying to make it sexual, which is super gross. Ugh, gross, goodness gracious. So, what I’d like to propose here is: Why don’t you think of a better, simpler non-sexual gesture? You can just pick one of these from this list:

  • You were cracking your knuckles in that way people do sometimes where it’s kind of like they’re making a spooky hand gesture/breast squeezing hand gesture. But really they’re just cracking their knuckles. Know what I mean? You can say you were doing that.
  • You can say that she walked into your office and you said, “Come on, sit on my lap,” but you were just practicing for when you were going to be Santa that year and you didn’t even notice she came in.
  • You were having a conversation with her and staring at her breasts the whole time but only because you just remembered something TERRIBLE and it was where your gaze just happened to fall, unfortunately, but it was mostly like your were blacked out anyway because of the terrible thing you were remembering. So it was as if you were staring at nothing.
  • You slapped her on the butt because for a sec you thought that would be ok and non-sexual, but then you were like, Oooooops!
  • Ummmmmm
  • Youuuuuu accidentally touched her breast because she was leaning over your desk and you had to reach for a pen but you were immediately so embarrassed because it was an accident, but you didn’t want to say anything because you thought drawing attention to it would just make it more embarrassing for both of you.
  • You made the “big boobs” hand gesture on yourself while she was in your office because you saw somebody do it and thought it looked funny and you didn’t know what it meant.
  • You told her she was the same size as your wife and you were holding your hand to your chest, and she thought you meant cup size because SHE was the one with her mind in the gutter.
  • You’re super sarcastic and everybody always tells you that they can’t tell when you’re joking, which is always kind of annoying because to you it’s pretty obvious when you’re joking. So this was just one of those case where you asked if she’d like to have sex in a very sarcastic voice, but she didn’t get that it was just a joke.

See! All of those are much more easily recognizable as misinterpreted sexual harassment claims. And all of the candidates have been changing their positions on things so frequently I doubt anyone will really have the energy to care about this particular flip-flop too much. So, you’re welcome. Pizza party in the White House.