Videogum

Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

You guys got CMJ fever? Who’s got CMJ fever? Everyone? I don’t mean excitement for CMJ. I mean that you are literally sick to your gills from this stupid festival. I know Amrit over at Stereogum has already passed on, and we will be sending flowers to his family on behalf of the entire Videogum community. Has anyone else died? Would you like to? Just go to one of these music parties where they have an open vodka bar for one hour and see if you can make a dent in it, then listen to Diamond Rings too loud and ride your bike the wrong way down the highway. PUNK AND ROLL! Guys, don’t do any of the things that I just said. It’s very dangerous, pounding vodka for an hour is gross, and the whole thing is just annoying if you are actually in a car trying to get somewhere on the highway. Let’s rest. Better. Tonight we sleep.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Anderson Cooper’s Fecal Strep Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 topknot | Oct 19th Score:61

If you have 2 copies, you could probably give one away.

Posted in: Ricky Gervais Has Gone Completely Off The Rails
#4 facetaco | Oct 14th Score:62

Kirk Cameron (center) seen celebrating his birthday with his wife Chelsea (left), his daughter Isabella (right), and his best friend, God (top).

Posted in: This Is Just A Good Photo Of Kirk Cameron Celebrating His Birthday
#3 Polythene Pam | Oct 19th Score:74

“But no one would believe me when I tried to report it to the police because when I talk it sounds like I’m discovering words for the first time”

Posted in: Katherine Chloe Cahoon Describes The Scariest Thing That Has Ever Happened To Her?
#2 Polythene Pam | Oct 19th Score:79

Facetaco’s Guide to Fleeing European Men

Posted in: Katherine Chloe Cahoon Describes The Scariest Thing That Has Ever Happened To Her?
#1 djfreshie | Oct 14th Score:99

Looks like all his guests were left behind

Posted in: This Is Just A Good Photo Of Kirk Cameron Celebrating His Birthday

[Assoc. Ed. Note: HOORAY DJFRESHIE AND POLYTHENE PAM! Also the rest of you, but less! Do you kind of hate that you got a 99, djfreshie? If you just had one more upvote you would’ve gotten a perfect 100. That would’ve really been something. 99 is great, sure, but 100? Get outta here. I guess it always give you something to strive for next time, though. So congratulations on your victory — and all of your victories — but remember that this isn’t the end. Just a new phase of the beginning. WEEEEEKEEENND!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 packt | Oct 19th Score:-59
Remember when only Gabe used to post this site?…. Yeaaah.
Posted in: Ricky Gervais Has Gone Completely Off The Rails

[Ed. Note: Hey! Jerk! Why don’t you get out of here, then! Honestly, I’m not sure why someone would write a comment like this. It’s America, and you’re allowed to dislike Kelly’s writing. Personally I think it sucks and I spend most days just looking for a way to fire her. (Just kidding, I think she is doing a great job, and I challenge anyone who disagrees to a physical fight.) But why would you write this comment? Just to hurt her feelings? Like, do you think that writing this comment is going to result in Videogum deciding whether or not we continue to grow and evolve and change? “Packt doesn’t like it. We’d better act fast!” That’s not going to happen. You’re not in charge. I’m in charge. You should know that, and you probably do know that, so that means you’re just being an asshole. Also, if the reason you wrote this comment is because you disagree with Kelly about Ricky Gervais and you think that if I was writing the site alone things would be different, let me tell you that although Kelly writes her own opinions on things and we don’t always agree (for example, she hates the movie You Can Count On Me, while I love that movie) I can tell you that I agree 100% with everything she said in that post. Ricky Gervais is out of control, and while he has definitely done some amazing work in the past, he’s kind of the worst now. But in general, if you don’t like a post, JUST WAIT FOR THE NEXT POST. There’s going to be 100 more posts, maybe you’ll like one of those. Do you just walk around the street shouting out all the things you mildly dislike? Because that’s a terrible thing to do and you should stop it. Besides, you should really be counting your lucky stars that there even IS a Videogum for you to read, much less leave terrible comments on. If it’s true that there are an infinite number of universes out there, then at least 10 billion of them don’t even have Videogum at all. Suck on that, YOU CREEP.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

That One | Oct 18th Score:43

You guys, real talk. Poop is a touchy subject for me right now. A couple weeks ago, I stepped in dog poop twice in one day. Both samples firmly expelled in the middle of the sidewalk in a major city. The next day, Ms. One, That Dog and I went for a hike. That Dog got out of our sight for a couple minutes until I spotted him rolling around in some tall grass. Ten minutes later I realized he was covered in what looked like dirt and later realized was, in fact, horse poop. I had no choice but to stick him in the car and give him three consecutive baths in our own bathtub once we got home.

A week later, That Dog got a hold of Ms. One’s wallet while we were out and completely devoured any and all cash. No trace of said cash was found. The following day, I watched as That Dog expelled what looked like a small fortune from his doggy butt. Not ten minutes later, a crow dropped a healthy amount of fecal matter onto my shoulder.

The other day, That Dog got away from us for a few minutes and upon returning, smelled like a chemistry lab took a shit in a nursing home. I still don’t know what this mystery poop mixture is, but I do know that following three consecutive shampoos, he still smells like it.

The universe is literally taking a shit on me, and it doesn’t surprise me that Anderson Cooper’s cell phone is covered in shit. Everything is covered in shit.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Anderson Cooper’s Fecal Strep

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, That One! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

Ginger Ball Z | Oct 19th Score:34

Kelly, stop trying to make fetch happen.

Posted in: The Petting Zoo: The Week’s Top 10 Animal Videos

[Assoc. Ed. Note: This is the second week in a row I’ve chosen Associate Editor’s Choice from a “Petting Zoo” post, and I apologize to all the other posts about that. But it’s only because the “Petting Zoo” post is the best and I’m only ever going to pick comments from that post from now until the end of time. You know? You guys get it. “Thems the breaks.” JK. Those were jokes. It is the second week in a row that it’s from the animals post but that’s just a coincidence. In that post I said it was “fetch week” because two of the top five videos had dogs playing fetch in them (genius), and this was the most perfect response that could’ve been given. I don’t know why I didn’t think to include it in my own post somehow. Because I am very stupid? Yes! GREAT JOB!

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

facetaco | Oct 20th Score:9

No, U b 40!

Posted in: Watch Fox’s Red Eye Destroy Adam Levine With MEGABURNS!

[Ed. Note: The other day, my friend Max was riding on a train that had wifi–did you know that’s a thing now? I guess Doc Brown’s experiments worked–so we were chatting and making lots of Source Code jokes, OBVIOUSLY. Somehow the Source Code jokes then became this very funny but basically impossible combination of Source Code jokes and Major Dad jokes, based on this photo that says “To One Major Dad To Another.” It was one of those strings of jokes that requires so much explanation, even more than this explanation I’m giving you right now, that it’s basically worthless outside of the chat thread, which is too bad, because it was so funny. I feel like this comment is a little bit like that, but those jokes can be the best jokes! Facetaco was responding to someone who said “UB40″ in a thread that was making pun jokes out of band names but had finally slipped the rails. But saying “No U B 40″ to someone is so funny as long as that person has three weeks for you to explain why.]