That’s Your Boyfriend: Guy Fieri

For years now, we have all assumed that your boyfriend, Guy Fieri, was a perfect gentleman. Excuse me, THE perfect gentleman. Wait, he owns a sushi restaurant chain called Tex Wasabi AND he wears his sunglasses backwards over his peroxided Sonic the Hedgehog hair, and his name is Guy Fieri, and he’s perfect? Lemme at him! That is what you said. “If you like me then I put a ring on me you’re my husband.” That’s your song. But today, comes some sad news about the TRUTH behind the SMOKE AND MIRRORS AND HAIR GEL AND JOHNNY GARLIC’S. Turns out Mr. Perfect is ANYTHING BUT! From the Minneapolis City Pages (via Gawker):

“Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line, because it’s always on breasts.” Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff.

“Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!'” From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews. (Fieri declined to comment for this story through his spokespeople.)

Wait a second, Guy Fieri, THE Guy Fieri, stares at women’s tits and has some problems with gay people? IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP. We’re probably talking about a different Guy Fieri. Or maybe it’s like one of those body snatching situations where it’s actually an alien who has taken on Guy Fieri’s shape but didn’t bother doing his homework so he doesn’t realize how completely UNLIKE Guy Fieri he is acting. That must be it. Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with your boyfriend, Guy Fieri, bound and gagged with energy lazers in some spaceship somewhere during this difficult time. (FILE UNDER: Duh Aficionado Boyfriend.)