A Fake Interview With The Muppets

[After a long hiatus, Jim Henson’s The Muppets are finally returning to the silver screen this winter with The Muppets, a feature film written and starring Jason Segel and directed by James Bobin. Unlike many of our Fake Interviews, this fake interview is not only fake because the Muppets are assumedly busy with preparing for their film’s release, but also because they are puppets, so any interview with them is fake.]

Videogum: Oh my God, I cannot believe that I’m interviewing The Muppets. I loved you guys as a kid.
Kermit The Frog: And now?
Videogum: I still love you. I mean, I’m an adult now. So I probably don’t love you as much as I did as a kid. Are you seriously offended by that?
Kermit The Frog: You’re the one who planted the seed of doubt. I’m just saying if I was doing the interview I’d probably just say something like, “Hey, the Muppets! Love you guys! Can’t wait to hear about your new movie.” I probably wouldn’t have qualified it. But I guess that’s why you’re the blogger and I’m the world famous puppet.
Videogum: I don’t even know what that comparison is supposed to mean. I’m still flesh and blood, and you are felt. Are we really getting into this?
Miss Piggy: I hope not. I’m already booooooored.
Videogum: Miss Piggy!
Kermit The Frog: Are you going to do that every time a new character is introduced? Because that’s going to get tired real fast.
Rowlf The Dog: Seriously.
Videogum: Rowlf The Dog!

Videogum: So, your new movie trailer came out today, and it’s basically the first one that actually offers up some footage from the actual movie and isn’t some kind of lame parody, and it looks great!
Kermit The Frog: Like, again, that’s how you’re going to approach this? Can’t you just be nice? Didn’t we teach you anything?
Videogum: Sorry. I just think, like, what’s the point of the Muppets doing a parody of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? It soars right over kids heads, and from an adult’s perspective it’s just weird and maybe even unsettling.
Kermit The Frog: Agree to disagree. But I will point out that it’s actually the second trailer that isn’t a parody.
Videogum: Oh. Whoops.
Kermit The Frog: Do you even read your own website?
Beaker: Meep meep.
Videogum: What did he say?
Kermit The Frog: He said you sure have a lot of opinions for a Jew.
Videogum: No, he didn’t.
Kermit The Frog: Yes, he did.
Videogum: That’s awful.
Kermit The Frog: I don’t disagree. No one really likes Beaker. We don’t hang out with him off-set or anything.
Beaker: Meep.
Kermit The Frog: Because you’re a racist and a homophobe, that’s why. Do you seriously think we’re going to invite you to Tyler Perrys birthday party?
Videogum: You guys went to Tyler Perry’s birthday party?
Kermit The Frog: On his private island, yes.
Videogum: What’s he like in person?
Kermit The Frog: Why don’t you ask him yourself?
Videogum: Note to self, fake interview Tyler Perry. So, you and Miss Piggy, is that a real thing? Some people say she is your beard.
Kermit The Frog: I don’t discuss my personal life.
Miss Piggy: I do! Kermie is a real piece of–
Kermit The Frog: You’re actually going to violate your court-mandated gag order? Here? For this?
Miss Piggy: Hmmph. Karate.
Videogum: Uhhh. OK, well, anyway, I really did just mean to say that your new trailer is really good and I’m looking forward to your movie. The way Fozzie Bear says “thank youuuu” in that scene with the toilets made me laugh all day.
Fozzie Bear: Thank youuuuuuu.
Videogum: Fozzie, can we get a “wakka wakka” for your fans?
Fozzie Bear: If these “fans” have 15 thousand dollars in licensing fees, you sure can.
Janice: Do you have any weed?
Videogum: No, sorry.
Janice: Don’t be sorry, man. Just get some weed. Can you call someone?
Videogum: Who am I going to call?
Rizzo The Rat: Ain’tchu live in New York City. Go down tah Washington Square er Tompkins Square. Dey’ll help you out. Hey-ohhh! Fuhgettaboutit.
Videogum: Well, I’m not going to go score weed for you in some park right now.
Janice: So not groovy.
Rizzo The Rat: You’se a cop?
Videogum: I’m not a cop.
Scooter:: Guys, leave him alone!
The Muppets: SHUT UP, SCOOTER!
Animal: Animal say this interview OVER!
Statler: I haven’t seen a fake interview this bad since the Titanic interviewed George Washington.
Waldorf: We’re old!