Time 2 Update Scarface 3 Tha Kidz

It almost makes you sick to your stomach to think that it’s been nearly 30 years since Hollywood remade Scarface the first time. What have they been doing since then? Making totally different movies and not just remaking a movie that they’ve already remade once before? Come on! Be realistic, Hollywood. If that was really going to be your attitude then we wouldn’t have Peter Jackson’s King Kong, widely regarded as The Most Important Movie Ever Made. Hopefully, after your upcoming remake of Scarface you’ll start tightening up this remake cycle. Personally, I’d like to see a new version of Scarface every two years. Just as soon as the cameras stop rolling on the old remake, start ‘em goin’ on the new remake. It’s called the silver screen. From the Hollywood Reporter:

[Universal] is developing a new Scarface movie to be produced by ousted former studio head Marc Shmuger and Martin Bregman, the veteran producer who made the 1983 remake.

The project is in the early stages but it being described as not a sequel or outright remake of the 1983 Al Pacino-starring movie nor the 1932 Paul Muni-George Raft movie. Each of those were crime sagas telling the rise and fall of a gangster, and each was a mirror of their time. The 1932 version was set in Chicago and featured bootlegging, Italians and Irish mobsters. The 1983 version was set in Latin-loving Miami and cocaine was the vice of choice.

The new Scarface is planned to be the same: a crime tale set in today’s world, offering a dark look at the American Dream.

Awesome news. Especially considering how great the last Scarface movie was (second best movie ever made after Peter Jackson’s King Kong) I’m sure none of us can even wait to see what they do this time. Well, lucky ducks, you don’t have to wait! We have a sneak peek at the exciting and modern take on this old classic:

Selena Gomez plays Dr. Scarface, an intergalactic drug lord from the Pepsi Nebula System who has come to New Earth to live the dark side of the American dream in MECHABoston. Her rise to the top is a bloody one as she is forced to use her plasma gun on countless dorks. Cut to: interior of a hover McDonald’s. “Hey,” Dr. Scarface says, “this space ecstasy flavored McShake is delicious.” (Great opportunity for space ecstasy flavored McShake tie-in.) For her 12th birthday, Dr. Scarface holds a party at her mansion (the White House) with a live performance of a duet of “Livin Da Vida Loca” by the Black Eyed Peas and Beyonce’s newborn baby on vocals. Suddenly a gunfight erupts! Everyone dies a horrible death. Dr. Scarface rests her bleeding face on a giant pile of space ecstasy and delivers a spoken word poem about the environment. But will the kids listen? It is in your hands now, children. Just before she dies she whispers her famous catchphrase: “Not me, mom.” End credits. Cameo by Ryan Gosling’s jacket from Drive.

Pre-order it now on Blu Ray.