True Blood S04E12: Season Finale

Lafayette and Jesus are enjoying a gorgeous outdoor brunch and boy did they earn it after last week’s episode. Eat up, boys, you must be famished! Jesus can kind of tell that something is up with Lafayette because he’s sitting completely still and not saying anything and his hands are resting palms down on the table and his eyes are tracking Jesus like guided missiles, all of which is to say that Lafayette is acting a little bit funny, but that doesn’t stop Jesus from basically delivering a monologue. Now, I’m no relationship expert, but I say that if your partner is completely unresponsive to the first couple of things you have to say, take them to a doctor, don’t just prattle on. Who knows, they might be possessed by a witch who is going to stab you in the hand with a fork. Whoops! Lafayette stabs Jesus in the hand with the fork. But not before the show gives us lots of menacing close ups of the fork. Here is Lafayette holding the fork up by his face. Here is the fork being stuck into an egg. Here is the fork with egg dripping from its tines. It’s like Chekov said, if you put a brunch fork on the mantle in Act I, that brunch fork better get sunk into a human hand by the end of this show is awful. (It’s also worth pointing out that last week’s teaser for this week’s finale SHOWED LAFAYETTE STABBING JESUS IN THE HAND WITH A FORK, like, we get it! Is there something I’m missing? Is this more amazing than I even fathom?!) STAB STAB STAB! EGGS EGGS EGGS!

So, Marnie has possessed Lafayette and she wants to take all of Jesus’s powers.

Sure. She doesn’t exactly explain what she wants to do with his powers, and I also am having a little bit of trouble even understanding what the Marnie plotline is about anymore. At the beginning of the season she was a shy candle-dipper with an incense store, and now all of a sudden she’s the most powerful witch in the land? At first she just got her powers from the 400-year-old witch that was possessing her but now she’s in charge? It kind of doesn’t make a lot of sense, which is why it is perfect for this show. Anyway, Lafayette/Marnie ties Jesus to a chair and demands that he give her all of his powers and if he refuses she is going to kill Lafayette and also something about how she doesn’t feel pain but Lafayette still does, which, sure, I mean, it is very consistent with how the rules are constantly made up as we go along.

But, so, Jesus is like “I don’t know how to give you my powers or if that is even possible,” and then two seconds later HE JUST STRAIGHT UP GIVES HER HIS POWERS. He knows the magical power-swap incantation and everything! That was a lot easier than Marnie thought, probably. Then Lafayette/Marnie stabs him with a kitchen knife. Awww. And the day before he was going to retire from magic! R.I.P. Jesus.

Speaking of brunch, Sookie and Tara are also having brunch. Best gal pals! They’re reminiscing over all the crazy things that have been happening lately. “What are we, magnets for fucking craziness?” Tara asks. “I hope not,” Sookie says. YOU HOPE NOT? It is a little late for hoping not. You have dated two vampires and are flirting with a werewolf, you are a telepathic fairy, and you just beat a witch one year to the day after you beat a Greek goddess. The question of whether or not you are a magnet for “fucking craziness” is pretty much settled. Sookie says that she sees Gran watching over her, which it turns out is foreshadowing for later when Gran’s ghost appears. Phew. Good thing they set that one up, because now it definitely makes sense and this show isn’t just a random collection of inexplicable garbage that pops up as a matter of convenience to lazy writers. “She mentioned her Gran at brunch. This is a very good show. Best Writing Of A Show Oscars.”

Let’s get some boring dumb stuff out of the way because we’ve only covered the first five minutes of the show so far: so, Jason tells Hoyt that he fucked Jessica doggystyle and Hoyt punches him in the eye so Jason puts a popsicle on it because that’s a thing and then Jessica comes over and they fuck some more because that is what best friends do. After fucking they have a really soulful conversation about blowjobs or something? It’s gross. Then Jessica FASTRUNS out of the house, which is always hilarious. There is a knock at the door and it is that anti-Vampire pastor from last season but now he’s a vampire? And that’s it because somehow that is supposed to be a cliffhanger? Also, Andy Bellefleur asks that witch-waitress out on a date holy moly WHO CARES. Sam visits Tommy’s grave and Hoyt’s mom says that she’s Sam’s mom now (?) and then Sam and his girlfriend kiss. MOVING ON:

So, Jesus is dead and Marnie/Lafayette has his Cirque Du Soleil mask and out of literally nowhere, Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric are chained to a funeral pyre? Oh, they will probably explain how that happened at some point NOPE JUST KIDDING.

As with all of these things, they are best done on the front lawn. Always. Tara and Sookie show up with Andy Bellefleur’s new girlfriend. They try to reason with Marnie/Lafayette but that doesn’t work for some reason. At which point Andy Bellefleur’s girlfriend secretly (haha) makes a ring of protection around everyone with a thing of TABLE SALT and begins to incant both the FORCEFIELD SPELL and also the MAGIC RAISING OF ALL THE SPIRITS SPELL.

Uh, how did everyone suddenly become very magical? No time to explain! Bill and Eric are on fire! Of course, fire doesn’t kill vampires? So I’m not sure what the point of this even is? Did this show seriously forget that FIRE DOESN’T KILL VAMPIRES? And we have to be the ones to remember that? Good grief! Please, True Blood, pay the mildest of attention to what your show is even about for the love of FUCK.

Anyway, Sookie’s grandma’s ghost somehow expels Marnie’s spirit from Lafayette’s body because now ghosts are magical sorcerers. Also Antonia’s ghost is there even though I thought she went to heaven? And then there are all these ghosts who just hang out about 50 feet away at the edge of the graveyard because I guess they were summoned but they don’t feel like participating? Lazy ass ghosts. Marnie learns that it’s better to just be a dead ghost than a vampire, because vampires are immortal and that’s the worst. OK. I mean, that would be true if vampires could feel emotions, but they can’t, so it’s not actually the worst for them. You have to understand what the worst is like as an experience for it to actually matter.

But so, Marnie goes to heaven and Sookie’s Gran offers her the timeless wisdom of ageless heaven which is I guess that you don’t need to always have a boyfriend and sometimes it’s best to be single for awhile? That’s true, but is that really the best she can offer? “Register an account with OK Cupid. I am from heaven!” Lame.

Meanwhile, the fairy plotline from the beginning of the season continues to be completely unmentioned and unresolved. PURRRRRFECT.

So, Sookie, following her dead grandmother’s advice, breaks up with both Vampire Bill AND Vampire Eric.

Maybe she’ll date Alcide now? That is the implication when Alcide visits her at the restaurant and tells her to fall in love with him. She says some nonsense about how she can’t change who she loves, which, honestly, you’ve done it a bunch of times already, Sookie, so, yes, you can. Meanwhile, Pam is so upset that Eric doesn’t like her anymore that she sweeps everything off of Eric’s desk. YIKES! She does it with SUPERSPEED and oh man, SUPERSPEED makes me laugh so much every time. She talks about how dumb Sookie’s name is and how she can’t believe her bond with Eric was broken by someone named Sookie and I think this is supposed to be, like, some kind of winking self-awareness but the fact of the matter is YOUR SHOW MADE UP THIS NAME SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THEN MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE NAME? IT’S KIND OF LAZY AND BORING AND WE’VE BEEN SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT SOOKIE’S LOVE LIFE AND ADVENTURES FOR FOUR YEARS NOW, SO YOU KIND OF CAN’T JUST SHIT ON HER FOR STUPID REASONS AT THIS POINT IT’S TOO LATE?!

And now, on to the cliffhangers: there is the aforementioned vampire priest in a purple Polo shirt. There is the Andy Bellefleur might go on a date with a waitress. (Shivers.) Alcide goes to his work at the parking lot (?!) only to find out that someone has torn a hole in the concrete, which is where the old Vampire King was buried. So I guess he is coming back next season oh boy can’t wait who’s the most excited? (AND ONCE AGAIN: you kind of can’t have a vampire being buried in silver chains and three feet of concrete as an exciting and important conclusion to a storyline if you’re just going to have a 30 second scene one year later where he’s not buried in concrete anymore? It would be almost impossibly crazy to even think about how awful and lazy this show is if I didn’t have an Entourage SERIES finale recap still to write.)

Jesus’s ghost visits Lafayette and tells him not to worry about him being dead because “I probably would have gotten cancer.” Uh, what? WHAT? Dude was, like, 29 years old. Between this and the part where Tommy had a “right to choose his time” this show has VERY distorted ideas about illness and dying and whether or not it’s best to just die right away and not even bother living a long and fulfilling life before succumbing to illness in your old age which is totally natural and not some disgusting awful nightmare thing that obviates every experience that came before it? You OK, Alan Ball? Do you need someone to talk to?

The Vampire Prime Minister comes to visit Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric and she explains that there is a death warrant out on them, but she doesn’t actually explain why? Then she says that she got fired from her job and she wants them to join her in a revolution against the Vampire Government. Then Eric kills all of her guards and Bill stabs her with a croquet mallet and screams “WE ARE NOT PUPPIES!”

Then Eric looks at her blood pile and says “What a bitch.” Cool ending to a very fun and interesting plotline.

And then, of course, came the finale cliffhanger of the season. Are you guys sitting down? Because it’s weird to read your computer standing up but also you aren’t going to BELIEVE what happens next:

If the next season starts with Bill and Eric rushing in and feeding Tara vampire blood and healing her in two seconds or if in any other way it turns out that Tara is not dead, I would be so mad, but I won’t care, because hopefully I will be dead before this show returns for another season. Don’t cry for me. I have the right to choose my time, and I probably would have gotten cancer. Besides, heaven is great. I learned all about relationships. Break up with your boyfriend. Something something werewolf.

This show ends like dog shit.